coppercrush

emilymoranbarwick , 6 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I'm trying something scary.

I've been stuck in my #writing (again).

I've been stuck in my #art (again).

I've been creatively backed up (again).

I've gotten too deep into my head (again and always and forever, amen).

So I'm trying something: I'm releasing this weird #creative experiment into the world. To challenge myself. To (hopefully? maybe?) help others get "unstuck."

I'd love if anyone out there gave it a look. And I’d be utterly thrilled if you told me about it.

https://fromemily.com/creative-ex-lax-experiment/

ActuallyAutistic group

#ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyADHD #blogging #WritingCommunity #WritersOfMastodon #IndieWeb #MentalHealth #Artist #SmallWeb #FromEmily

pathfinder , 7 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ActuallyAutistic group

I don't know how old I was when I first began to realise that I was different in a fundamental way that was best kept hidden as much as possible. All I know is that as I grew, so did this awareness and with it a hole within me that could never be filled, because I never had the answer to why I was so different. That answer wouldn't come for over five decades. But in the meantime, it led me to a strange life of both hunting for an answer and trying desperately to justify my lack of one, in over-working and perfectionism and far too much fawning and people pleasing.

In light of this and in response to a conversation the other day about people pretending to be autistic and whether that was even a thing, what occurred to me, was that given my life, would I have chosen autism to be the answer I had so long sought and so desperately needed to fill that hole. Not because I haven't learnt to marvel at how complete I feel now, or how much more confident and assured and stronger I am. But, because of how final it is. Whether, even if I had known what I know now, if there had been any sort of choice, would I have still gone, oh, goody, I'll take the autism that forever separates me from man.

Because that, in some very real ways, is what it does. It's not a key that finally allows us to fit into the world. Or an answer that makes all the weird go away. At best, it just lets us see that we were never a duckling and never meant to be one either. It's a one way door, that at the time I knew was right to walk through, even though it took me a long time to accept that. But choose, no, I'm not entirely sure that choice ever came into it.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

ucaccessnow , 9 months ago to Disability group

Haven't heard much talk of how abled people in the US are going to stand up for disabled people in this eugenicist fascist time.

One thing about the university having maintained a policing system for disabled people is that many profs and staff acted as if no accessibility could be had except through that system. So if it isn't being done through that system, fascists are likely to miss it.

That is: It is more important than ever to make your courses, workshops, symposia, etc as accessible as possible by default. Do not make it "accommodations" through the policing system, but something offered to everyone as part of how you design your course.

Captions by default, avoid strobing film/graphics by default, more accessible fonts by default, online accessibility and flexibility by default. Don't highlight it as "accessibility", just BE AS ACCESSIBLE AS POSSIBLE as your normal modus operandi. #HigherEd #USpol AcademicChatter group Disability group

briankrebs , 9 months ago to random

My wife and I have gotten into the habit of asking each other at dinner what was the best thing that happened to each other that day. She now likes this tradition so much she's expanded it into three things, which I contend makes the whole thing more of a mental exercise, but I usually manage. I have found though that it makes me take closer note of the good things that happen during the day, so I'm not left with "uh...." when it's my turn. It also helps punctuate the positive at a time when there's a whole lot of the opposite.

Impossible_PhD , 10 months ago to random

I watched Ratatouille tonight. That last line of the food reviewers review--"The New needs friends"--tonight, after today, that made me cry.

It does. We do.

And, today, I brought a new part of myself to scholarly circles that I'd never dared to bring into scholarship.

I'd given up on gaining the respect of my scholarly peers. Of ever being more than such-and-so's friend that they got to see at the conference. No panel I'd ever been on had ever been well-attended or well-received.

My research? Unpublishable.

I had frankly thought my career had found it's end.

I presented the way I presented today because a part of me thought this would be the last scholarly presentation I'd ever give. The high point of the petty career of a scholarly failure.

So I wrote and delivered my talk today with everything I had. I stood up and laid my beating heart bare.

I thought... I thought, "If this is it, I'm gonna leave it all on the floor. At least, in the end, I will know I gave everything I had. That my failure wasn't because I hadn't tried hard enough."

And they loved it.

People cried.

Some of the smartest people in queer rhetoric took pictures of my slides.

I still can't wrap my head around that one.

And the idea that this all might be able to be more than the swan song of a small career...

I've been crying all day.

I guess what I'm saying is this:

Thank you. All of you.

Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in me. Thank you for believing in my work. Never in my life have I shared a more raw and personal part of myself than I have in Stained Glass Woman.

Today was your gift to me. 💜

EmilyMoranBarwick , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Hi. I'm terrified.

I've been trying to make my own space on the web for years. And I've been stuck. Badly.

But today is my birthday. And I refuse to let another year pass without putting something—anything—out there.

So here it is in all its messy glory. My first post on my barely-there #website: https://fromemily.com/hi-im-terrified/

It's not great. But it's okay...enough.

And I hope it means something to someone.

ActuallyAutistic group

#SmallWeb #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyADHD #writing #blogging

pathfinder , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ActuallyAutistic group

So it's autism awareness day.
Does that mean logically that every other day isn't? Because that sure would explain why,

When I'm getting overwhelmed, others think I'm either just getting more and more angry, or just don't want to know them and then won't leave me alone, despite that's what I need.

Or why complete strangers, who insist on trying to talk to me, think and call me rude, when I fail to do so, or to do it properly.

Why everyone is right when they insist that somewhere clearly isn't too loud or bright.

Or, when I don't always understand something, because of the way someone describes it, or I'm really slow to do so, then I must be stupid.

And certainly, that when I say it's because I'm autistic, that they can't see or accept it, as if it can't possibly be real and the stupidest thing for me to ever say.

I mean, just asking.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

pathfinder , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ActuallyAutistic group

OK, my bash at something for Autism Awareness (or, as most of us would prefer, Acceptance) month.

I think so much of the problem why people can struggle to see us and to accept how we can be so diverse, is simply the language that is used to describe autism. And, perhaps, specifically, the English language. Because as everyone knows and to bastardise the original quote, English is basically a bunch of languages in a hooded robe, lurking in dark alleyways simply to mug other, more innocent, languages of their spare words.

It all too often this means that not only can the same word be used for different things, but that its meaning is all too often determined by the context and technical field in which it's being used. Different fields can use the same word to mean radically different things. But, unless you are aware of that, people tend to assume that it simply means what it generally and as far as they are concerned, normally does.

Autism is diagnosed.

The simple fact of the matter, is that nobody in history has ever been diagnosed with autism, either officially, or by themselves by being self-diagnosed. Not, in the way that most people understand the word, diagnosis. For them, it means a series of tests with definitive answers. Qualified people to administer and over-see those tests and in the end to interrupt, understand and give a clear-cut and unquestionable decision, backed up by those facts.

What we are is assessed and more specifically the likelihood of whether we fit within the current criteria for autism and the difficulties and therefore the support needs we may have because of that, is assessed. Well, in an official-diagnosis. Whereas self-diagnosis is a realisation, a recognition of the way so much is now explained, where it never was before.

To most people, there is a world of difference between a diagnosis and an assessment/realisation. Especially when it is used in a medical context.

Autism is a disability.

Well, this one is easier. Everyone knows what a disability looks like. In terms of autism, at best it ranges from "rain man", the idiot savant, to the absentminded, slightly, mad professor, or Sheldon Cooper look alike. But, all too often, it's the image and memory of all the children dragged across our screens by a certain well known charity/hate group, or during the height of the vaccines causes autism shit fest. It's the relative with genuine needs, or the relative of a friend of a friend, of a friend, who they have happened to have heard about once. It's not their teacher, or the friend they have who can't seem to hang onto a job and definitely not the person next door, who they nod to and talk to normally.

Autism is a spectrum.

People always think about a spectrum as a simple path from A to Z. A clear graduation of ability, or proficiency. As clear as the bands on a rainbow and as permanent. To think of it as the ever shifting and variable thing that it is as it applies to us, is understandably hard.

Autism isn't a disease.

But, doctors deal with it, diagnose it, it's clearly on the rise. Something must be causing it. If it's not a disease, then why are they involved?

I could go on. But, hopefully you get the point I'm vaguely trying to make. Language determines understanding and at the moment the language we use to describe ourselves, isn't really understood. Not in the ways that we want it to be and not because it's hard. But, because there are not enough stories out there that use it in the way that allows its meaning in this context to become more generally understood. The stories that include us and are from us and are not just about us. The stories that we can tell and show, often by simply being, that reveal what these words actually mean for us and that can allow others to understand and accept that, in the ways they can't, or struggle to, at the moment.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

26pglt , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Some of us just don’t like being touched & that’s ok.

Sound advice here about how to interact with cats. Coincidentally this is Exactly the approach needed by #ActuallyAutistic people like me. And, in my experience, by kids.

I wonder, how is this not obvious to everyone? The answer, I think, is that so many of us learn when we’re young that we’re not entitled to have boundaries. Not entitled to be safe.

Cats can teach us So Much about #consent. We are all entitled to be safe. ActuallyAutistic group

‘She treats everyone with a deep growl’: can you train an angry cat to be more sociable? https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/30/she-treats-everyone-with-a-deep-growl-can-you-train-an-angry-cat-to-be-more-sociable?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

AnAutieAtUni , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Question for other #ActuallyAutistic people and also #ActuallyADHD:

[Long post due to lots of context]

When there is a change to my routines - even if it’s an expected change that has been planned for days or even months in advance - I can feel something like “anticipation” until I’m back to familiar routines. This is also true when starting a new routine until it feels familiar.

The “anticipation” is strange as it manifests as if it’s anxiety with all the physical signs, but the word “anxiety” does NOT feel right to me at all.

I know it is definitely related to “uncertainty”. And that’s true even when I have a very good idea of how the change in routine will pan out (i.e. I have low levels of uncertainty, not always high). So this also excludes catastrophising MOST of the time because I already know nothing awful will happen.

If I can’t predict how the change of routine will unfold then I find my brain tries to calculate ALL the possible outcomes - good, bad or indifferent - and try to prepare for as many of them as possible. This response seems learned; I’ve been in situations when I’ve had an unexpected routine change in the past and been unprepared which led to awful outcomes. After those events, I have often reflected and seen that it might have been possible to predict what happened and prepare to a reasonable degree. So that’s what I do now. If this is catastrophising, then it ALSO includes the BEST possible outcomes and everything in between. So it’s not straight forward, anxiety-driven catastrophising which is focused only on the negative.

I really wanted to learn more about autistic “anticipation” as it relates to routine changes, or even “anxiety” in response to routine changes (even though anxiety doesn’t sound like the right word for me), but I couldn’t find much online.

So, do any of you have any good online resources that could help me understand myself better when it comes to this? (I may want to share a resource with a neuro-affirming therapist in future so an online resource would be great.) Could be blogs, articles, videos, etc. I’m not great with podcasts unless there is a full transcript.

Or, do you have any personal insights that you could share with me that might help me understand this better?

Key to note here: I can understand the anticipation or anxiety if something potentially bad might happen (classic anxiety / catastrophising) but I ALSO feel this way when I KNOW the routine change should bring about normal life things, just slightly differently. I.e. nothing bad and there are even benefits to the routine change! So this is the part I am most stuck on and wanting to change… if it’s even possible.

Phew! Long post. Please feel free to ask any clarifying questions. Alexithymia is common for us autistics so this question might not be easy to understand, and that’s okay 💗

#AskingAutistics ActuallyAutistic group

pathfinder , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ActuallyAutistic group

It is an oft repeated phrase, that we live in a world not made for us and with it comes the understanding of the harm that this can do to us. In many respects that harm is actually easy to see, especially once you start realising that, no, it's not just you, and stop convincing yourself that it's nothing and that it can only be a sign of how broken you are, if you can't cope. The world of man really is too loud and bright. They really don't notice the smells and the over crowding, the sheer amount of peopling it takes to even do the simplest thing and the way that everything is geared in such a way that it has to be in done in their way, with ever-increasing barriers of impossibility if you try to do it in any other way. That the way things are, the world really isn't set up for us and the willingness to soften that, to allow for other ways, is limited at best, always to our ongoing cost.

But, for me, there is something deeper than this that has, perhaps, caused me more harm through my life, that has led to more confusion and conflict and trauma than even the sensory overwhelm and torture of existing in their world. It is, well, I suppose you could call it the how's and why's and what's of their world. The underlying framework that defines it and them. All the assumptions and shared perception that is like the unwritten code of their existence and which they just take for granted and that I just struggled to even see, let alone understand.

Some of it, of course, I could work out. Like, the ways their societies always revolve around status driven hierarchies. Whether that be school, your book reading club, or the country as a whole. I could even accept that this was simply the way they think, just as, in so many ways, it's not the way I can think, or see the world. But, the basis for, say, the status, why being one way was good and valued, and another, virtually equal way, wasn't. Why sex should affect that, or race, or religion. or anything really, except the judgement of the thing in and of itself, was beyond me. There were just so many invisible, and taken for granted, ways that things were seen, except, it seemed, by me. All the ways that something was, just, obvious. Not in the way you might argue that your football team was better than another one. But, in the ways that no one even thinks about, or even realises is actually a judgement. What should and shouldn't be, why and how.

Yet I could see it, that all too often the assumption that something was so, didn't really make it so, not with the way my mind worked anyway, and also found that trying to get an answer to why it should, just never seemed to happen, not when no-one else even seem to understand the question. It just meant that walking through their world became like walking through an endless minefield for me. Where, sooner or later, I just knew that I was going to step into something that would blow up in my face. Not because I tried, or wanted it to, but because I simply couldn't help it, not when I couldn't even see it.

This, to my mind, is where the real harm of living in a world not meant for us can come from. Not the overt, but the covert. From the fact that we are always in a place that we can never really understand, or deal with. Not with any certainty, anyway. That there are always unknowns and unknowables, waiting to trip us up, or for us to crash into. That there are always ways of being hurt and, indeed, hurting others, that we can't even begin to see and, because of that, forgive ourselves for, until we realise this, anyway.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

pathfinder , 10 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ActuallyAutistic group

Insomnia is incredibly common for those of us who are autistic/adhd. Like many things, its presentation can be quite variable. In so far as it can be as much a spectrum as anything. I have the, struggle to fall asleep and then at some point wake up in the night and really struggle to get back to sleep, or, continue to wake up on the hour, every hour variety. It's the way I've always been and so, of course, I thought it was perfectly normal and because no one else ever said anything, the way everyone slept. Which is probably why it took me so long to realise that I did in fact suffer from insomnia, especially as it didn't fit the classic trope of someone barely sleeping at all and wandering the world at night, lonely and unfulfilled.

In fact, I've always enjoyed sleeping and dreaming, even though my dreams have always been of the batshit crazy variety that never made sense. In fact, I wouldn't know a normal dream if it bit me. As an "over-sensitive" child I would often have quite extreme nightmares, but even they were weird, because once awake they were never actually frightening, they were just strange. So, given that and my logical and pattern orientated brain, it's always amazed me somewhat how much I do love dreaming and how much pleasure sleep can bring me.

In fact, for a while I even resented it, the time I had to spend sleeping. It felt too much like escapism, of hiding in fantasy, rather than facing the real world. An act almost of cowardice and certainly like I was letting myself down somehow. But, in fact, what I've realised recently, is that I enjoy and value it for exactly the opposite reason. That even though the dreams never made sense and over-heat my pattern seeking brain and just leave me baffled. They represent a level of truth that isn't always present in the way I deal with the world when awake. There is no hiding my emotions, or reactions in them. There is no lying to deal with the world, or to be able to get by. There's just me and, in a very strange way, like my dreams, being finally able to be honest and open in the ways I can't always be in the real world.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic
#AuDHD

This post has been brought to you, in part, to celebrate the fact that I am no-longer the amazing one-handed typist. But that now that the splints are off and the paw is healing, back to being the barely capable two-handed typist. 😀

Daojoan , 10 months ago to random

Authoritarians never mention what happens after the "strong leader" consolidates power.

The corruption that inevitably follows.

The silencing of dissent.

The capture of institutions by cronies.

The erosion of rights for anyone outside the favored group.

But these are the consequences of a populace who have stopped caring enough to participate.

https://www.theindex.media/the-parchment-barrier/

donthatedontkill , 11 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I'm often at a loss for words for things happening inside my body. Physical things, emotional things. I wish I could express them to you but I've not figured out how. I feel hope and despair at once. I feel alienated and overwhelming compassion for people. The words I use juxtapose them but inside me they are one. What should I call these things?
(We can talk about physical stuff another time.)
@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic #feelings #mentalhealth #buddhism (?) #alexithymia (?)

Daojoan , 11 months ago to random

Why do we talk about walled gardens?

That implies something beautiful, something worth defending.

It conjures images of beautifully maintained flowerbeds protected from the outside world.

But that’s not what Facebook built, what Instagram built, what Twitter built.

They built paved, unshaded, barren hellscapes, trapped us in them, and surrounded us with guard towers and razor wire, intended to keep us in, not protect us from anyone else.

There's no "garden" here.

https://www.joanwestenberg.com/why-personal-websites-matter-more-than-ever/

itsfoss , 11 months ago to random

Linux can fix it 🐧

#linux

ALT

Daojoan , 11 months ago to random

I for one am thrilled that journalism has been saved by everyone moving to substack. cant wait to find out what happens when a single company controls the publish button for every opinion worth reading. history has no lessons here

mayz , 11 months ago to actuallyadhd group

Do not hide yourself.

Be playful and childish, giddy and fearless. Cuddle your plushies, embrace your own softness.
Be calm and collected, firm as a rock. Soothing with an outstretched hand.
Be nerdy and talk about your interests. Loose yourself in the vastness of knowledge.
Laugh and cry as much as you need, stay in your cozy home or go on adventures.
Do everything and nothing at your own pace.

Go crazy with colours or choose the darkest black. Mix, match, thrift, trust your own way of living.
You know yourself best.

You deserve to live your best life.

You are not alone.
You will find your people.
I promise.

#actuallyautistic #ADHD #AuDHD #psa #fightfascism ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd group

coppercrush , 11 months ago to random

Pride celebrations this year are going to be absolutely off the hook. #pride #pride2025 #lgbtqia

mayz , 11 months ago to actuallyadhd group

Memories are such a strange and delicate thing. Especially the ones carefully hidden by our brains in order to protect ourselves.

I process emotions by talking or writing about them.
I have “presentable” trauma, which i can talk quiet openly or even joke about, that is known by friends.
Being open about some of what happened feels good and has made dealing with what happened and the resulting feelings easier. But it is also a neon sign that screams “fragile, handle with care”, that has lured in both predators and other survivors.

It has made me feel less alone and is one of the reasons i even began my diagnostic journey. But it has also led to a lot of pain and rather dangerous people in my life.

But I have also realised that i use this openness as a shield.
People who cannot even deal with this “presentable” trauma, shall not become ‘safe people’. the ugly, hidden, barely talked about trauma is not for the faint hearted.

Recently though, my desire to talk about these dark corners of my mind has increased.
And I don’t understand why.

A voice in my head that sounds way too much like my mum, accuses me of being an insufferable attention seeker.

I’m so torn between opening up and writing/talking about some of it and letting those memories be shadows of my past.
Online ‘anonymity’ just increases the urge to go into more detail, to lay bare parts of me that I usually, carefully hide.

Have any of you had similar feelings? What was your decision and did you regret it? Feel free to go into more details in the comments!
#actuallyautistic #trauma #memories #AuDHD #traumasurvivor #PTSD #CPTSD
(edit: ActuallyAutistic group @actuallyadhd)
(edit 2: poll added)

coppercrush , 11 months ago to bookstodon group

This book, "The Rise and Fall of Ancient Egypt" by Toby Wilkinson, may as well be called "The Origin of Fascism", in case anyone finds this relevant or wants an anthropological explanation for how cultural evolution and the lack thereof got us here. #bookstodon bookstodon group

kimlockhartga , 11 months ago to bookstodon group

Quite frankly it has been hard to read with everything crumbling all around us here in the U.S. but I have ensconced myself in the library (fewer distractions than at home) and I'm determined to try! First up: The City and Its Uncertain Walls, the latest novel by the incomparable Haruki Murakami.

I like it so far. The tone is much more wistful than I expected, at least at the outset.

The epigraph, which gives us a hint about what to expect, is taken from Coleridge's Kubla Khan:

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘈𝘭𝘱𝘩, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘳𝘢𝘯
𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘤𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘯
𝘋𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘢 𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘢.

I found that moving.

Let me know what you are reading, and what you are doing to help concentrate on the joy of reading.

bookstodon group

jwilker , 1 year ago to bookstodon group

Not surprised. This is the final step in enshitification.

Lure people in with low prices/easy tech, etc. Slowly strangle with DRM. then make it so you can't leave Amazon and take your books with you.

#bookstodon bookstodon group #books #writersofmastodon
https://flipboard.com/@theverge/tech-news-e3qmqbb8z/-/a-ivKp-I7ETsWGorawxZcXzQ%3Aa%3A43611565-%2F0