@alexocado@tech.lgbt cover
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

alexocado

@[email protected]

[This is a plural system account largely used by our host Vox (but not always). The bio below describes Vox only.]

I'm a non-binary mess of a person in their 30s. Eating vegetables, working with software, playing video and tabletop games, and being nerdy and neuroqueer in general. Deep thinker and endlessly curious.

Unapologetic left, queer, and vegan. Zero tolerance for bigotry and carnism. 🌱🌈

#neuroqueer #adhd #probablyAutistic #trans #vegan #parent #plural #dev

Your account needs to have some substance for us to approve follow requests.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to ActuallyAutistic group

I feel this must be a deeply autistic experience: the disbelief when people actually try to convince you that they didn't mean what they said. And I'm not talking subtext, I'm talking about the grammatical meaning of their verbatim words and sentences.

And then you ask them to clarify and through a convoluted sequence of justifications they end up at "see? And this is why I couldn't possibly have meant this!".

Like wat? Why did you say/write it then in the first place? So fucking confusing. But maybe the explanation really is that autistic people choose their words much more carefully. It's certainly our lived experience.

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group @actuallyaudhd

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to ActuallyAutistic group

I'm against the death penalty out of principle. This article goes exactly into the ambiguity of why: why do we grant anyone the authority to end a life?

https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2025/03/autism-idaho-university-capital-murder-defense.html

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group @actuallyaudhd

@pythno@mastodon.gamedev.place avatar pythno , to random

Are there some who are experienced with on here? I've been in therapy for almost a year now and I have to take a specialized test. It certainly would explain many things in my life but I still kinda doubt it, because I do not have those typical things I associate with autism such as stimming or difficulties making friends. On the contrary, I am good in socializing when the context is clear, eg. conferences. I mean I do put on a show and I am exhausted after it for a few days...

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@melindrea @hellomiakoda @nellie_m @pythno actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group we're at that point in the journey where we're sorting out all the things we no longer want to do.

We've not always been met with understanding or at least curiosity. Sometimes we were met with rejection for not "wanting" to comply with unspoken norms. That this is ableist was something we only realized very recently.

We've powered through for so long. People don't know anything different about us. But what they do not see is the internal strain and exhaustion.

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to random

Painting of a feminine person with long flowing hair, a white flowing dress, leaning against an outside rock wall. A small forest is visible in the background. There's text which reads: I dream of never being called resilient again in my life. I'm exhausted by strength. I want support. I want softness. I want ease. I want to be among kin. Not patted on the back for how well I take a hit. Or for how many. - Zandashe L'orelia Brown
ALT
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to actuallyadhd group

> The foreword to the landmark 1980 DSM-III was appropriately modest and acknowledged that this diagnostic system was imprecise - so imprecise that it never should be used for forensic or insurance purposes. As we will see, that modesty was tragically short-lived.

  • The Body Keeps the Score (p. 33) by Bessel Van der Kolk

WHAT THE FUCK?! EXCUSE ME?! THE DSM DID WHAT?!

And yet here we are. LOLOLOLOLOL

If I come across anyone who invalidates self-diagnosis again then I'm gonna smack them with this quote so hard that they get knocked out of our solar system. -Vox

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group @actuallyaudhd

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to actuallyadhd group

I've come to understand that my main motivation to keep going at the moment is very simple: .

I'm weird. Like really fucking weird. I'm . I'm queer. I'm also (meaning it's not just me in my own fucking head). I'm weird. Like really fucking weird.

And you know what? That's okay. It's okay to be weird. Who is even the judge of that? Is there a "weird police"? It's being made illegal in parts of the world to be weird, but by whom? White old men.

Fuck them. Fuck them sideways. Fuck them all the ways. Fuck them. I'm very fucking weird by society's standards and that is okay. -Vox

actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

@hosford42@techhub.social avatar hosford42 , to ActuallyAutistic group

Someone plays music in the background during a meeting. They ask if it's bothering people. Neurotypical folks on the call quickly speak up and say it's fine.

The autistic person on the call (me):

  1. has extreme difficulty participating in or even following the meeting due to the inability to separate foreground from background noise

  2. experiences distress from sensory overload

  3. spends the whole meeting stressing over how to bring it up in a side channel without taking the wrong tone and offending the person due to social communication difficulties

  4. questions whether it should even be brought up, or if they're just being "too sensitive" due to a lifetime of conditioning to treat their own needs as invalid just because they're aren't "typical"

Meanwhile, no one on the call even realizes something is wrong or that the autistic person just got screwed over, completely by accident.






actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@mdione @hosford42 actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group a simple solution would be to allow other communication channels (e.g. some form of direct message) and explicitly express that it's also okay to get in touch later if someone notices that it bothers them. This is inclusive to many people.

It's impossible to predict all sensory and trauma-related needs. Therefore it's important to give people the opportunity to let themselves be heard in multiple ways to be as inclusive as possible. -Vox

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to actuallyadhd group

Somehow a young white tech bro found my profile and requested to follow me. I vet every follower and so I was immediately sceptical when I saw a non-critical toot with a picture of Trump.

Obviously I straight up hit them with "what do you think about Trump and Musk?".

I kid you not, their answer was: "Why should I think about them?"

The irony of them "follow request"ing me mere minutes after tooting this:

https://tech.lgbt/@alexocado/113896805317429796

neurodiversity@a.gup.pe icon neurodiversity group actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to actuallyadhd group

This goes out to everyone who invalidates people after they were vulnerable by being open about their pain:

Fuck you

(The more privileged you are the better you are not pulling this shit, or I'll personally rip you a new one.)

neurodiversity@a.gup.pe icon neurodiversity group actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group

alexocado OP ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

And this goes out to my marginalized homies: just because we have been on the receiving end of the stick more often than not doesn't mean that we can't be the one who occasionally does the beating.

Don't be so arrogant to assume you're above that, or you inevitably become part of someone else's problem.

neurodiversity@a.gup.pe icon neurodiversity group actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group

alexocado OP ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

The following toot apparently ended up in the tech bro bubble and the irony fucking hurts.

https://tech.lgbt/@alexocado/113896805317429796

(Yes, you buddy. You like Musk, right? Tell you what: fuck you.)

neurodiversity@a.gup.pe icon neurodiversity group actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group

alexocado OP ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

The following (replied to) toot apparently ended up in the tech bro bubble and the irony fucking hurts.

https://tech.lgbt/@alexocado/113896805317429796

(Yes, you buddy. You like Musk, right? Tell you what: fuck you.)

neurodiversity@a.gup.pe icon neurodiversity group actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group

@SecondUniverse@neurodifferent.me avatar SecondUniverse , to random

Reading "The Body Keeps the Score", and I'm wondering how much of autism is autism and how much of autism is trauma? I only have my perspective as a traumatized person with an autism diagnosis, and my perspective is I have no idea.

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@janisf @SecondUniverse and society tells us we struggle with nuance.

Just take a look at the DSM. It's supposedly created by minds which have an easier time with nuance. To me it seems more like ignorant about nuance.

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@janisf @SecondUniverse actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group I didn't mean to say that the DSM isn't useful. I merely meant to say that it's not infallible and neither are allistic minds. It's a sad fact that allistic continues to mean "better" than autistic to many minds.

@vger@fidget.place avatar vger , to actuallyadhd group

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

I often have problems finding arguments for my opinions in a discussion. I know they are there, but I just can't access them when I need them.

Something similar happens at work. I'm an IT professional and when I need to switch between customer environments, it takes a considerable amount of time for me to get all the facts straight. I tend to mix up setups in my head when I switch between them frequently and then end up stating something wrong or forgetting something important when meeting with colleagues.

I tried to look into why I have those problems. I found out that information in my head is pretty much stored in drawers. Those drawers, however, don't have many connections. They are categorized, so I know the overlying topics they belong to. But the details between them remain unconnected.

When I have enough time to "open" a drawer, I have all information readily available. It's not that I can then "see" the information before my imaginary eye, the information is just there. There is no visualization.

So, coming back to the examples of mixing up facts in meetings and not finding facts for my arguments, you can picture me running around in my head, opening every drawer searching for the stuff I need, cluttering the floor with every information I know, and ending up finding nothing.

This has been the first time I had a deeper look into how my own head works. I do wonder if some of your heads work in a similar way?

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@vger actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group I've come to the conclusion that my thinking is largely non-linear. I think about a thing, and then I think about the details of that thing, and then the details of that thing, rinse and repeat. All of that happens in the flash of a moment. It's infinitely nested layers of meaning which often turn out to be interconnected loops of reasoning. Turtles all the way down.

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@vger actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group When I talk to people with a significant overlap in their neurotype conversation flows naturally. We dive deep, we float up, we dive deep, we float up. Ebb and flow. It feels like dancing and it's great fun to close a loop you began diving into 15 minutes ago.

When I talk to folks who don't share my neurotype I am forced to transform my nonlinear thoughts into a largely linear form and stay on a single, sometimes also a second level. It's never easy. I need to compress loops into single sentences and sometimes words because I lose the interest and attention of my conversation partner if I do not. But this is always a lossy process.

In math terms you could say that my cognition could be defined as a multidimensional looping web of meaning and the process of putting it into words that someone different from me understands is translating it into something with less dimensions, some which are foreign to me.

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@vger actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group actuallyadhd@a.gup.pe icon actuallyadhd group the truth of the matter is that other neurotypes probably have their own web of interconnected meaning making. But that this web differs from mine. Just like word webs differ between languages.

However my AuDHD brain is hyperconnected in many ways. So it stands to reason that my web of cognitive meaning making is more complex. What does that mean in practice? Your guess is as good as mine. But I know that I'm a deep and divergent thinker, maybe that's related.

@pathfinder@beige.party avatar pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

I'm just tired.

Such simply words, such small words, to describe the depth of exhaustion and soul numbing weariness, I was so often experiencing when I spoke them. So many times in my life I have, just been tired. That was how I thought of it, how I explained how I felt to myself. I can see, looking back, that many of those times were when I was burntout, at University and afterwards. Or obvious times of great stress, or when I had over worked. But, so often it was just how I felt, just the truth of my existence. I was just so, so, tired.

But, my problem was that I had learnt to judge my life against what I knew. How I'd learnt to see it, in how others seemed to experience theirs, how it was explained in book and film. How it just seemed to be. In my mind, it had all built up into a picture of how hard life should and shouldn't be. And so it never felt that I had the right to be so exhausted, to be such a mess. Because what I had really done, nothing. I knew that depression could have explained it, but that hadn't always felt entirely right to me, except sometimes on the fringes. So all it could ever be was that I was just tired and just tired doesn't mean that you can't push on, it doesn't mean that you can give up and it definitely doesn't mean that you're allowed to ever stop, if only for a little while.

And that was my life, before I realised I was autistic. I suspect many of our lives. A relentless effort, like swimming forever against the tide. But a tide I could never recognise, or see, or rest from, or forgive myself for not being able to beat all the time. The life that can happen when you don't recognise your own needs and when you have no explanation for how tiring...well, everything is and are trying to a live that isn't yours. When you are masking all the time and trying everything you can, to live the life most normal, the life you thought you should have.

So, is it any wonder that major burnout seems almost inevitable for those of us realising this later in life. That we have burnt through so many of the resources and reserves that we could have had. How different it could have been, if only we'd known the differences we could have made and that we were never, ever, just tired.

So, if you ever wonder why I spend so much time on here. This is why.


alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@pathfinder "I'm so tired" often felt like it wasn't enough to describe the level of exhaustion that was slipping into everything I was doing. At the same time "exhausted" didn't quite have the same ring to it.

I feel the words we have aren't enough to capture the degree of utter and inescapable shortage of energy that defines being in - what I presume - autistic burnout.

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

@SaySimonSay@eldritch.cafe avatar SaySimonSay , to ActuallyAutistic group

Just curious if this is an or neurodiverse thing:

Do you like it when people visit you at home?

I have added a poll with two options: 'My home is my castle' (dislike guests) and 'Keep the guests coming' (because you like that). There are separate options for neurodiverse and neurotypical folks. Choose whichever feels best for you.

Personally I HATE having guests. My home is a private place, a retreat where I can be myself, arrange things the way I like, and have random stuff in random places. When I have guests, I always feel judged even if they don't say anything. I never seem to have the correct food and drink available. (Everybody seems to expect coffee, but I don't drink any coffee, and I refuse to have a coffeemaker in my house.) If possible, I will always avoid having guests and rather meet people at their place (if they don't mind) or at a café/restaurant.

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@punishmenthurts @SolenedeM @Psychonaut @bardmoss @Adventurer @xgebi @SaySimonSay actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group Dr. Nick Walker (the author of Neuroqueer Heresies) has written extensively on the subject. I think you will find her writing insightful:

https://neuroqueer.com/neurodiversity-terms-and-definitions/

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to ActuallyAutistic group
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to ActuallyAutistic group

I think the thing I despise most about NT social rules is sugar coating or straight up not talking about problems to protect someone's feelings.

It feels downright impossible to get some people to speak their mind. It doesn't matter how often and in how many different ways I highlight that I prefer direct and unambiguous feedback and that I won't judge. I just want to know where I'm standing with them. But so many folks squirm and deflect and sidestep. For fuck's sake! Just tell me what bothers you so we can figure out what we can do differently!

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to ActuallyAutistic group

If you assume that the NT mind has an easier time developing an auto pilot than the ND mind - auto pilot meaning "fast" (shortcut) thinking - then it's no surprise that societal biases are so hard to extinguish.

Our minds indisputably develop in a biased environment. Therefore the foundational model of reality that is being shaped for the NT auto pilot is biased as well. It's not unlike how biases get baked into AI models. Garbage in, garbage out.

The ND inability to hone an auto pilot of a similar complexity as the NT mind therefore becomes an advantage when it comes to notice biases as we are forced to rely on active processing of the information - in the absence of an auto pilot we have to think "slow". Cue our well documented strong sense of justice.

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar alexocado , to ActuallyAutistic group

Stop breaking social rules accidentally and instead break them on purpose.

We'll never be good enough for NT society. We never received the handbook and somehow it's our fault. What do you do when the game is rigged and you cannot win? You stop playing.

Stop playing by NT rules. Make up your own rules. As long as you don't deliberately hurt people everything is fair game. Stim in public, skip on social niceties, be blunt, be yourself.

(Obligatory disclaimer: stay safe while doing so. Radical visibility is not always safe.)

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

alexocado OP ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@alstonvicar actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group that's what I've started to do. But you know how it is. Taking your own advice is surprisingly hard.

alexocado OP ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@Beachbum actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group I do not live your life, so I don't pretend to be able to understand. But I genuinely believe that not all of the barriers we perceive to be there are real.

All of us live in a room whose walls are the making of our own minds. But not all of these walls are brickwalls. Some are drywall. While it's not fair, it's up to us to figure out which walls we can break through and which we cannot.

Staying safe is of utmost importance but at the same time neurodivergent liberation requires risks. Which risks you personally are willing to take is a decision only you can make.

alexocado OP ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@DL1JPH I wrote this as a reply to someone who said something similar. I understand but I also think we sometimes live in a mental prison of our own making. I cannot say how it is for you because I do not live your life but it was certainly true for me.

https://tech.lgbt/@alexocado/113721038269753920

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

@confusius@mastodon.de avatar confusius , to ActuallyAutistic group German

I know that many people have contacts on their phone with nicknames or maybe have their parents stored as mom and dad etc.

If I look at my contacts, I have stored everybody with their full name.

I wondered, how common that is and so I ask you actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group and others:
How do you store your contacts?

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@confusius @roknrol actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group I'm very likely autistic and I do the exact same. It actually genuinely irks me when I cannot save someone under their full name. But it's not always socially appropriate to ask for someone's full name.

@KatyElphinstone@mas.to avatar KatyElphinstone , to random

"I think I'm not a dominator. It never fit my autistic mind. I think I am a partnership human. Nothing about the dominator model makes any sense to me."

Credit to: @punishmenthurts

Ditto. I've been obsessed with topics like competition, coercion (rewarding and punishing), and power differentials.

(Articles on https://www.neurofabulous.org.uk/articles.html... about e.g. blaming & power, micro-interactions as a foundation stone of systemic oppression... etc...)

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@bobjmsn @punishmenthurts @KatyElphinstone actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group genuine question: why is criticism usually hurtful?

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@bobjmsn @punishmenthurts @KatyElphinstone actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group this is incredibly fascinating. Does that mean it comes somewhat naturally to you to conceal what you are really thinking and who you really are? How do you decide when to reveal yourself?

I've concealed myself all my life but I'm getting to a point where I cannot anymore. It literally made me burn out more than once. I do not have the capacity any more. I lost the ability to mask to that degree. It's so exhausting. And I'm seeing the impact of stopping on my relationships. People have said I'm abrasive even though I'm really not trying to be, I just don't have it in me anymore to ruminate on what people actually mean, so I ask for clarity and that is usually not met with compassion but instead tends to be perceived as an attack. But it's not. I just don't understand. My options are to either consciously think through what people might mean, or to get told what they mean, and I'm increasingly losing the ability to do the former.

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@punishmenthurts @bobjmsn @KatyElphinstone actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group I have not seen your mask VS shadow speech yet but the replied to toot made it click for me. I'm familiar with the concept of the shadow.

That's ... discouraging. Just because social norms don't come naturally to me doesn't mean that I don't care about them or have malicious intent, but I guess that is what they see/fear when they spot me fake it. It means we'll always be othered unless the surrounding context changes. Unless society changes. It now makes sense that I mostly feel safe among neurodivergent peers.

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@bobjmsn @punishmenthurts @KatyElphinstone actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group not all, no. I'm not believing that. I'm talking about trends, tendencies.

Society is getting better. But it's far from ideal. Very far. And until it's widespread knowledge that not everyone is good as social norms or honestly largely abolition of said norms, those who struggle with them will always be othered. It's simply how it works. I'm not being gloomy. I'm just making observations.

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@bobjmsn @punishmenthurts @KatyElphinstone actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group but it does seem like it comes easier to NT people. Because I'm 100% serious when I say that I can't do that anymore. I cannot function on dating apps. I don't know how to cut through the fake stuff.

What does that make me, you know? I'm not despairing here, I'm genuinely wondering what that means for my future. NT people will assume that I'm concealing like they are, but I won't (at least not much anymore), so does that mean that the first impression of me will generally be an unfavourable one? Of course not always but again trends and tendencies, you know?

@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group

who is the band / musician with the biggest autistic vibes?

actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group

alexocado ,
@alexocado@tech.lgbt avatar

@theautisticcoach actuallyautistic@a.gup.pe icon ActuallyAutistic group I'm not familiar with all of their songs but when I recently listened to this song I actually said out loud: "this song is autistic af".

https://youtu.be/mrGkCnBJLVM