@KaCi@autistics.life cover
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

KaCi

@[email protected]

I am an AuDHD, pan, cis woman (she), fluid in gender and personality. I love nature, music, dancing, reading, laughing and deep talk. I am an anarchist in all aspects of life, rules and consent are important.

Header and profile pic contain illustrations in red, pink, orange and white. Header shows a crow's head, profile pic a white woman with numbers on her face.

#ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD #Neuroqueer #DisabilityJustice #Neurodiversity #Intersectionality #Autigender #CovidIsNotOver

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

@Mepurfield@autistics.life avatar Mepurfield , to random

Today I feel totally useless. Even as an autistic. I see all these successful people, NT and ND, doing so much to make the world better.

Then there’s my autistic ass.

Who does nothing.

I write. I draw. I read. I watch movies. I parent. I spouse.

I make no valid contribution.

I’m a lump.

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@Mepurfield
I hope it's ok that I boosted this post. I did because I know these feelings you describe and I think other autistic and/or otherwise disabled people experience them too. It's internalised ableism. Your contributions are valid and more than other people are able to contribute. And even without them you would be a valuable human being just because you exist. Your pure existence is a valuable contribution to this world. You are unique.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

During my first session with my therapist she asked me what I manage, because I mentioned that I am a project manager. When I told her "Nothing, I am unemployed for several years now.", I could see my own shame about it being reflected in a shadow running over her face.

Today, a few months and sessions later, I told her that I have a new answer to this question now, that I manage my everyday life and my neurodivergence. She smiled and said, that this is exactly what I should do right now.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

Since I found out that I am autistic 4 years ago, especially during the last months, I came to a much better understanding of myself, my neurodivergence, my sexuality and the different parts of my personality.

After having a very difficult time during the last week, including working through several trauma responses, there has been an important step of personal growth for me. I feel more clonnected to myself, authentic and whole.

For that reason I decided to change my online-name and IRL nickname from Kaci to Kitti.

This helps me to leave hurtful experiences I had during the past behind, embrace all parts of my personality and start a new chapter of my life.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

In my neighborhood we usually say "Morgen" (morning) instead of "Guten Morgen' (good morning), but we say it in a very friendly tone of voice. It's minimalistic communication for exhausted people who have to preserve their energy levels. Autistic me likes it.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

Like many other autistic and/or disabled people I will spend Christmas on my own and while I appreciate my alone time and the atmosphere and the silence of it, I know it can be difficult and hurtful.

So I would like to connect with other people who spent Christmas on their own or experience feelings of loneliness during these days, by interacting with this post.

That can be just leaving and receiving a virtual hug or telling each other about the gifts you received or gave yourself during the year, maybe share a piece of music, write about your favourite video game or any other special interest. You can do this in private mode (English or German), I know that interacting with groups can be difficult, impossible sometimes, but every now and then I write posts like this during a moment of bravery and I already found amazing online friends by doing so.

Let's support each other in a world that makes building connection so difficult and feelings of loneliness so common.

Boosts are very much appreciated. Thank you.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

While I won't take part in any social gatherings during the next days, I don't feel lonely.

There is such a rich world inside of me, that I cultivated since childhood. It's full of thoughts, feelings and pictures created by all the interactions I had with this world full of love and beauty. I can activate these connections by just thinking about them, by experiencing similar sensory input like taste or music or other forms of autistic joy like dancing.

Then, there is Beagle Lumi, I spent almost every day together with for 7 years at this point and who makes me be the best version of myself.

And especially during the last months, my amazing autistic/AuDHD online-friends, my neurokin became more and more important to me. With most of them I communicate almost every day, even if it's just sharing a picture of the sky, a song or some kind encouraging words, but often it is so much more than that. I had long, deep conversations with them and experienced feelings of closeness and connection, I rarely, maybe never felt before to that extent irl.

This morning during my morning walk with Lumi, I talked to a man, living in my neighborhood, I regularly greet and practice small talk with (the weather works well as a topic for me, it's interesting to me). He has a dog too. He told me that it will be a difficult Christmas for him, because it will be the first one without his wife, who he was married to for 52 years and who had died this year. He has the support of his children, who will visit him this Christmas, but it's a difficult time for him. This short connection, acknowledging each others feelings of hurt but also optimism are important for me too.

And this is what I would like to provide for you and hopefully others will do that too. Because loneliness isn't the only challenge we face during these days. Especially for neurodivergent people there are so many. Social gatherings can be so difficult for us, some of us are poor or struggle in other ways.

Let's support each other in the comments, maybe just leave a favourite, a hug for the little stories, for the thoughts and feelings we share.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

Being AuDHD feels a little bit like constantly parenting yourself.

ADHD: Hungry. Sweets.
Autism: Not before the lunch which is ready in 5 minutes.

@autistics

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

It’s not even noon and I had such an intensive and inspiring day so far.
I got up at 2:30 am and called a friend who is a night owl, just to realize that I am not able to make phone calls today, he was very tired, so we decided to talk later and I switched to chatting with a friend from another time zone until he had to go bed.

The chat reminded me oft a song from the past (music by John Miles), so I started listen to it the while processing the chat. Then I recorded several voice messages and started to make a playlist for another friend who spends a lot of time on the train today and “don’t wants people in her head while listening to music”, while switching to listening to “music” by John Miles in between until I was in a listening to this one song over and over again mode. All this included several pacing and dancing sessions culminating in exploring how fast in circles my office chair is able to spin.

As the chat was still open on my laptop I started to think about a good German word with a “Z”, because my friend is interested in the German language and phonology. I recorded and typed “Zufriedenheit” (satisfaction/contentment) and found it interesting that it contains the word “Frieden”, which means peace. As words have a very strong effect on me, I started to calm down a little bit, which immediately changed when I realized that it is not only 7:30 am already, but also November 24th which meant that my online-therapy session at 9 am was actually today, not tomorrow, so I started my morning routine, went for a walk with Lumi and gave him a good brush afterwards. I just had enough time left to have breakfast, listening to the song again on the balcony and feeding my crow friend.

At the beginning of my therapy session my therapist told me that I scored very high in my ADHD assessment last week, so I am officially AuDHD now. What a surprise.

She is so amazing, I will write another post about the session itself, but it ended with the word “zufrieden”.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

For that reason I am so critical of media presenting autistic people as savants.

You don't have to be a genius, a celebrity, exploit your special interest for capitalism, you don't have to be useful to deserve kindness, patience and love.

https://youtube.com/shorts/qhgtwvF8hY0?si=CO1VqbD2_4UtuPnw

@autistics

@atarifrosch@mastodon.de avatar atarifrosch , to random German

Termin beim ARGE via jobcenter.digital abgesagt. TIL: Das Formular dort zensiert bestimmte Begriffe, aber wenn man einen Buchstaben darin durch einen * ersetzt, geht's trotzdem durch.

Die Buchstaben tanzen mir schon vor den Augen, kann nicht mehr viel lesen. Dafür friere ich schon wieder. Ich hab mir eben frischen Tee gekocht, klink mich hier aus, hol mir die Heizdecke und geh in eine mehrstündige Führerstandsmitfahrt in der Hoffnung, heute Abend wieder klar denken zu können.

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@atarifrosch
Wenn Umarmungen ok sind: 🫂
Ich hoffe du kannst dich etwas entspannen und regulieren. Ich kann das sehr gut nachvollziehen.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

As an autistic person with motor problems and joint pain I often ask myself if professional packaging designers really exist and if so, why do they hate people?


@autistics

@pathfinder@beige.party avatar pathfinder , to random

@autistics

Realising that you are or can be quite difficult because, like autism, it is a spectrum. As much as the various aspects, like being full ace, or demi, or anything else are often described as fixed points on a scale. The reality is actually a lot more fluid and even changeable over time. Especially around sex and sexual attraction and how they work, or don't work. So it's difficult sometimes to identify with it, with any real confidence.

Add in being Audhd and it becomes even more difficult and perhaps even more fluid. Because, in my case, being more Demi-sexual, than anything. It is all about getting to really know and respect the person and without being able to do that, there is no real possibility of sexual, or romantic connection. And of course, the one thing we find difficult, is getting to know people. Or, perhaps, the right people. Because for the level of connection required, compatibility really is the key. And often, for us, feeling safe enough to be able to make that connection, isn't always the easiest thing to do and neither is finding the people who we even are compatible with.

This is but one of the many reasons why I think places like this are so important. We are a community within which it's possible to find and establish this. And I have been incredibly lucky enough to have been able to do so, where, I know, I never would have anywhere else.

I am in an open relationship with @KaCi a beautiful, incredible, polyamorous, woman who I love beyond measure and who loves me. And without this place, that would never have happened. It reminds me, that despite everything going on in the world, joy and beauty and wondrous intensity are still possible and in its own way, often made so by places like this. And I will always be grateful for it and for all of you who make it this way and of course, most especially for KaCi, for making this wonder possible.


KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@Tooden @pathfinder
Thank you 🫂😊

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@Uniflame @pathfinder
Thank you 😊

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @pathfinder
Thank you so much for being happy together with us 😊

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@autoperipatetikos @pathfinder
Thank you 😊
I was so nervous when Kevin told me that he is going to post a text about us and I am overwhelmed in a positive way by all the people celebrating our happiness together with us. I never experienced something like that before 🥹

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@CynAq @pathfinder
Kevin and I know that feeling of being late to the party for sure. I almost lost hope in finding that kind of love, depth and connection with someone 🥹🥰

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random

Today I had a moment of autistic joy in a social situation.

Where I live there are no parks close by, but three beautiful graveyards, where I go for a walk with Lumi daily.

This morning a woman asked me for specific details about the graveyards, because she wanted to attend a funeral and didn't know which of the three was the right one and I was able to provide these details for her, because recognising details and patterns is how my autistic mind works and experiences joy. It made me very happy that I was able to help her and that I had a social interaction without having to mask my autism, but it being useful for someone else instead.

This reminds me of the comment of a mutual on my post about infodumping concerning the autistic need of gaining knowledge and sharing it with others.

"As an autist, adquiring expertise on something and beeing helpfull with it feels central to socialisation." @maleza

So true.

@autistics

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@rabbit74
Very relatable. I enjoy finding and structuring information for others too.

Can you describe what you mean by "town crier" a little bit further if you have the spoons for it?

@darkfox@tech.lgbt avatar darkfox , to random

When people tell autistic people "You're not in trouble, no-one is mad at you", to dismiss the constant feeling that we're in trouble, and someone is mad at us, it's just plain wrong!

We constantly, in almost every single social interaction, make small (or big) transgressions, knowingly or unknowingly.

But because in western culture, such things are debriefed later, on "the car ride home", away from us, we dont get the immediate feedback. Instead, we unexpectedly get a frosty reception from 3-4 people later in the week.

That is why we're constantly (metaphorically) walking around, peeking around the corner, looking both ways, waiting to get side swiped by the delayed consequences of some unknown, unintended transgression, that happened days, weeks, or months before.
And it is why we're spending so much energy on constant self-monitoring, to maybe avoid doing a few of those transgressions, to maybe lessen the consequences later.

That is not paranoia. That is pattern recognition!

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@Lemlems @darkfox
Story of my life as an autistic person.

@StrassenKatze@universeodon.com avatar StrassenKatze , to random
KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@StrassenKatze
I love this video. Thank you for sharing it.

@olena@mementomori.social avatar olena , to random

Maybe it is actually speaking, but I am pretty sure I can’t feel hate.
Like, I can feel despise, disgust, loathe, horror, fear etc - but hate? Hate assumes certain amount of passion, strength - it’s something too big to bother to maintain for someone you don’t like.

Maybe it’s just my negation to use definitive labels - like the hesitancy to consider what I can feel ‘love’ or to call someone a friend.

@autistics


KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@olena @autistics
I only feel hate towards people who make loud noise when I am sick. But then, yeah I am sure that's hate.

@welshpixie@mastodon.art avatar welshpixie , to random

Realised something about my autistic self earlier and wondering if other people are the same.

If you're autistic (self diagnosis is valid!), when you have a list (not necessarily written down - even a loose list in your head) of things you plan on getting done, and one of the things doesn't go as planned and you can't get it done, are you able to skip past that one and get the other things done?

(Edit: this might be ADHD, I have that too, I dunno XD)

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@welshpixie
It depends on the energy I have on that day and if other people/appointments are involved that work as a factor of motivation. And I have basic daily routines I always get done, even in difficult situations. But generally speaking I tend to not be able to do the other tasks, if an important one has gone wrong, especially if the other tasks require a lot of executive functioning.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

As an autistic person in burnout I wonder how life feels for people who just have to "push through" to win the game of life instead of constantly having to overextend yourself to just take part in it.

18+ @KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Explaining sensory issues to neurotypical people is often difficult and frustrating and ends up in me being the problem, dramatic or even worse in their view.

Yesterday I tried to explain sensory issues to a social worker who is responsible for the process I have to go through to get support (personal assistance) from the state by using the following analogy:

"Imagine it's raining heavily outside and everyone is having an umbrella to protect themselves from the rain, but me. The rain is annoying for everyone and the others might get wet a little bit too, but I will be drenched within few minutes and it's a completely different experience that can cause serious health issues if you push through for a longer time."

What do you think about this way of explaining sensory issues? How do you describe them to NTs?

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@adelinej
How do they react? Does it help them understand?
@joshsusser suggested something similar.

@KitAuthor@wandering.shop avatar KitAuthor , to ActuallyAutistic group

Reading about task initiation strategies and as someone who uses them (to do lists, breaking down larger tasks into smaller ones, pomodoro/time limits) feels like there are no options for someone like me who is really struggling with task initiation and executive function due to autistic burnout.

Are there any other tips out there? And DO NOT tell me to rest/do nothing because I am a sole caretaker and in a precarious financial situation. Thank you.

@actuallyautistic

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@KitAuthor @actuallyautistic

Instead of forcing myself to do the task, I tell myself that I don't have to do it, but that I have to live with the consequences of not doing it and think them through in detail. Sometimes that ends up in me still not doing it, but often it creates a kind of motivation boost during a moment where I have the time and capacity to start the task. It's my best workaround for demand avoidance.

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@KitAuthor
I am a certified yoga teacher, autistic, disabled and have a very individual connection to spirituality. I like the aspect of storytelling you provide.
I can totally understand the problem of not being able to put yourself out in the open while being vulnerable and in survival mode and I am bad at networking. It's a very difficult situation. I got all of my jobs as a freelancer by working as yoga teacher for free (karma yoga for a traditional yoga school) and people who took part in my lessons recommended me, but you might not have that time. Finding a suitable group that can help you is a risk and maybe not a good long term solution, but might provide solutions for the marketing problem at the beginning.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

"It's the fear, that if everybody stops drinking coffee the way I drink it than I will become the outcast. And that is scary to someone who suddenly is remembering how they have always treated outcasts."

This gives me strong "Everybody is autistic nowadays" vibes and expains the sociopsychological thinking pattern behind similar statements and behaviour, e.g. why so many people create the narrative of the "angry vegan" or are afraid of the visibility of marginalized people.

Such an insightful and interesting video.

video/mp4

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@noam
Probably me having a bad day ;)

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

"It's the fear, that if everybody stops drinking coffee the way I drink it than I will become the outcast. And that is scary to someone who suddenly is remembering how they have always treated outcasts."

This gives me strong "Everybody is autistic nowadays" vibes and expains the sociopsychological thinking pattern behind similar statements and behaviour, e.g. why so many people create the narrative of the "angry vegan" or are afraid of the visibility of marginalized people.

Such an insightful and interesting video.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdnNpVLT/

@autismunicorn@autistics.life avatar autismunicorn , to random

I went on a date yesterday after a very long time. Despite my immense fear and nervousness, it went very well, and I secured a second date.

I was very pleased after my long term setbacks and years of depression. Still, I'm afraid to enjoy these pleasant feelings because I'm afraid that in the end I'll just suffer again anyway.

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@autismunicorn
You never know, so I always try to enjoy these little pieces of connection as much as possible. Good luck 🍀

KaCi ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@autismunicorn
The routines help to stay grounded while flying a bit in between 😊

18+ @KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Many women and marginalized people have experienced mansplaining, but what if you have just an autistic person in front of you, who wants to connect over their special interest or correct a mistake you made to provide knowledge? How can you distinguish the two?

From my personal experience the answer is "precision".

Autistic people are often very detail focused and have a strong need for being precise and correct, especially when it comes to their special interest. Because of communication differences this might come across as impolite and annoying and it's perfectly fine to say stop and protect your inner peace, but the intention is a different one.

Mansplaining is about getting attention, admiration and a feeling of superiority while providing superficial knowledge and rough concepts or just few facts communicated out of context.

And of course it can happen that autistic people mansplain, because they are raised in patriarchy too, but then it doesn't just comes across as annoying or impolite, but as seeking for admiration. In this case they don't care if you understand what they are talking about, they are talking down on you.

These are just my personal observations as an autistic woman who has experienced both and has been critisied by NTs for being impolite and attention seeking when wanting to connect over sharing knowledge and experiences more often than I can count.

I am very interested in the perspective of other autistic people on this topic.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@NudelnAlDente
I think it's good to learn to structure and present the information we are passionate about in a way that is digestible for others, but often more easier said than done, especially when communicating with allistic people and it would be nice if they tried to do the same thing for us instead of framing us as difficult, while we extend our flexibility to the maximum. In my experience it was more often a question of the neurotype than the gender concerning the workplace. Working together with (probably) autistic men was a good experience while working for the neurotypical people was not.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@NudelnAlDente
I think it depends on the individual situation. I was sitting with one colleague (IT-lead) in an office and we communicated regularly with the two programmers sitting in the office next door. Working together with a large group of men constantly is something different. I suppose it can work with neurotypical men if the male leader accepts you as equal or leader. Because then you can establish the matriarchal way of leading which is a kind of rotating subordination in consent depending on knowledge, skills or necessity, which creates an overall equality. I think this is what the IT-lead and I constantly practiced depending on who entered the room or was on the phone.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@independentpen
I totally agree. I forgot to take this important aspect into consideration. But it can happen unintentionally with an info-dump, because of excitement to find someone to share knowledge with. So it's all about the intention, but also the willingness to listen to the other person and not only to dump the knowledge. It's something we all have to learn as autistic people, to find the path in between masking/ suppressing our natural communication style and being our authentic selves while taking the other persons needs and perspective into consideration.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@maleza
I don't fully agree with the "unsolicited advice" part, because asking if advice is ok, is important in my opinion, but the last part of your comment feels so true and heart warming to me, that I really want to share it:

"As an autist, adquiring expertise on something and beeing helpfull with it feels central to socialisation."

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@f_o_tistic
I think responding isn't the problem. If someone asks you about your opinion and you answer, it isn't mansplaining.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@pauamma
Can you elaborate further on what you mean with "intent isn't magical"?

I am very much interested in that aspect, because I have reflected on the topic quite a lot lately and came to the conclusion that a lot of harm can be done unintentionally.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@pauamma
I totally agree. Thank you for explaining.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

Definitions of mansplaining:

Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary:
To explain something to a woman in a condescending way that assumes she has no knowledge about the topic

Oxford Learners dictionary:
the practice of a man explaining something to a woman in a way that shows he thinks he knows and understands more than she does

Cambridge dictionary:
the act of explaining something to someone in a way that suggests that they are stupid; used especially when a man explains something to a woman that she already understands:

Enough of the mansplaining, OK? I get it.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

My latest flex is getting up so early that I can pretend to be a night owl 🦉

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Still one of my favourite songs for dancing and to listen to on repeat (rich brain food). It took me quite a long time to recognise that this song isn't actually about dancing 🙈

https://youtu.be/2wzXQ8Mbrhs?si=6UWOfp7RX7z6nhEl

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Still one of my favourite songs for dancing and to listen to on repeat (rich brain food). It took me quite a long time to recognise that this song isn't actually about dancing 🙈

https://youtu.be/ldb9CbVnJOY?si=6pjetBOh5ICqUWSj

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

This morning I experienced something, which is a good example of sensory issues not being a minor inconvenience for autistic people, but a major aspect of making autism a disability for many of us. They can have a huge impact on our everyday life,
restrict our mobility and ability to work and can sometimes put us in danger.

At the end of my morning walk with Lumi, I couldn't cross the street at the pedestrian crosswalk like I usually do, because there were landscape gardeners with very loud machines working close by and they already made me feel overwhelmed and disorientated from the distance.

When I wanted to cross the street at another point of the road, while still disoriented by the noise, I stumbled and fell down at the middle of the street. I didn't hurt myself much, because I was wearing a lot of clothes and I made it to keep hold of Lumis leash, but I felt kind of shocked and couldn't move for some seconds, looking paralyzed at an SUV coming closer. Luckily the driver saw me too and stopped and I was able to get up and walk home.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@pathfinder
I think it was a mix of survival instinct, responsibility for Lumi and internalised meltdown. Also coming back from the walk with Lumi is a time full of routines, including brushing him and I think that helped.

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

The last song I shared within my last relationship, desperately trying to find myself in all the chaos.

I really do love the vocals, especially in the last part of the song, where the German and French words overlap smoothly and create a soft but also dense atmosphere (3:50).

https://youtu.be/eePnRVIHp7o?si=GLp-DfK67nN5A64e

I translated the German words for you:

Passionate, emancipated, sentimental, determined, vulnerable, single-minded, sensitive, sensual, frail, peaceful, temperamental, distant, crazy, cautious, modern, receptive


@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Lucky me has an personal assistant, who is a former nurse and gives great hugs (she is the only person I allow to hug me irl).

We both have a lot of empathy and so many topics to talk about and the professional distance helps me to feel safe and be able to unmask and stim around her. I am so happy to have this kind of support.

In January I will give two workshops for other clients of the charity organisation she works for, teaching them intuitive dancing and relaxation techniques in a safe space. It gives me the chance to find out if I can change my self employment as a yoga teacher, which is not an option for me any more, into this kind of work. I would like to do it in psychatries in the future.

Support and new perspectives make such a big difference in the process of getting out of

@KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Problems with executive disfunction and the task requires movement?

Try this song on repeat. I works even better on headphones. If it doesn't make you get up, you probably shouldn't.

https://youtu.be/fI5m695VF5M?si=1UvbjokJa-f724TW

18+ @KaCi@autistics.life avatar KaCi , to random German

Last night I got 6h of sleep and my body and brain are starting to recover from what happened.

I will allow myself to miss all the positive aspects of the relationship, because there were so many:
the strong hyperfocus that made us create art,
the connection with a neurokin that made us feel less alone and gave us the opportunity for personal growth,
understanding who I am and who I am not,
processing my trauma to an extent I haven't been able to in decades and finally understanding most of it,
helping another person to see the positive aspects of themselves and providing a safe space for being vulnerable,
sharing knowledge and thoughts to an extent I never experienced before.

I will keep the clock set on EST as a reminder of that, but also as a reminder of the need to set boundaries and protect myself when my intuition tells me that something feels wrong.

The reality is often so much more complex than we are able to see and want to admit. In the end he is just a traumatized neurodivergent person seeking love and connection too, but not being able to truly allow these kind of feelings, because he is trapped in survival mode.

I will keep sharing the music we shared, such a pity that I can't do it with the beautiful music he created himself with his synth, but I hope that he will be ready to do it himself in the future.

KaCi OP ,
@KaCi@autistics.life avatar

@HarmonthSeeker
Thank you