The 5 Love Styles Test (Yerkovich “How We Love” Quiz)

Kay and Milan Yerkovich are a married couple who co-wrote How We Love, a book that defines 5 key Love Styles that people carry throughout their lives and relationships. According to the Yerkoviches, these are the 5 main Love Styles and how they might manifest, along with the "Secure Connector" type that people are advised to work toward:^[1]

Avoider
Avoiders typically come from family backgrounds where affection was hard to come by. As an Avoider, you likely learned to prioritize independence and self-reliance, and you instinctively try to take care of yourself without relying on others. While there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it may cause you to suppress your own feelings and needs. As a result, you might feel like it's difficult to find emotional intimacy or deep connections with others. If that feels relatable to you, it's totally understandable how you got to this place. And there's nothing wrong with being self-reliant or logical—it's all just a balance! While maintaining your independence, do some work to be more attuned to your emotions and how you can better communicate them to others.

Pleaser
Pleasers typically come from family backgrounds where caregivers were angry, critical, and/or overly protective. As a Pleaser, you may have done everything you could to "be good" and avoid setting off your reactive or anxious parents. Rather than getting comfort yourself, you spent your childhood comforting and taking care of others. If that rings true for you, we're sorry you had to go through that. As an adult, you might feel a need to continue monitoring the moods of others and trying to make everyone happy. You have good intentions here, and they're probably appreciated by others! However, for your own sake, try to also prioritize your own emotions, needs, and wants—it may save you a lot of resentment or pain in the long run.

Controller
Controllers experienced a lot of vulnerability, pain, and fear as children. This develops into a need to control everything so those same feelings of humiliation and helplessness don't recur in adulthood. As a Controller, you may often turn to anger as your primary response to conflict, as anger is the one emotion that doesn't truly require vulnerability. So, you try to assert control and stay in charge of situations through intimidation and rage. While your rigidity or temper might feel confusing to you, it's normal to not understand where these emotions are coming from. Try to have some compassion for yourself, and recognize that you likely did experience some challenges as a child that led to these feelings as an adult. It's okay to admit that your early life experiences affected you—now, just work on controlling your own reactivity and turning your anger into something more productive and healing.

Victim
Victims often grew up in chaotic households where they had to stay quiet and compliant in order to stay under the radar and feel safe. They often hide from or try to appease their caregivers, and they end up normalizing intolerable behavior that they see from their family members. If this was your experience, we are truly sorry. You may have learned to dissociate or disconnect in order to avoid pain, and you might experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, and low self-worth as an adult. However, the first step toward breaking out of this cycle and stopping yourself from repeating your upbringing in your romantic relationships is to recognize it. And here you are, doing just that! Acknowledge what happened to you in your past, but realize that it does not define who you are. You deserve to feel valuable, safe, and loved. And you will!

Vacillator
Vacillators come from households where their caregiver was unpredictable, inconsistent, and didn't treat the child's needs as the top priority. Since they don't receive consistent affection and attention growing up, Vacillators will often become angry to the point that later attempts at nurturing by their caregivers can't be properly received. If you identify as a Vacillator, these feelings of abandonment can be extremely affecting, and we're sorry if you're going through this. As an adult, you may feel like you're constantly searching for the love you didn't get as a child, and you might over-idealize relationships or avoid commitment in order to avoid neglect. Remember that your life is in your hands, and not everyone will abandon you. Also, you're not totally alone in your experiences—almost everyone experiences rejection or disappointment at some point in their lives. Instead of turning to anger and sadness, try to learn something, work on your inner self-worth, and move toward the next thing that will give you a chance at true happiness and acceptance.

Secure Connector
The Secure Connector is the Love Style that everyone should work toward—some people naturally grow up as Secure Connectors, but most have to work hard and heal themselves to get there. However you've arrived here, we're over the moon for you! As a Secure Connector, you're comfortable with the balance of both giving and receiving in relationships. You understand your own strengths and weaknesses in yourself and in your loved ones, but you're able to see them without idealizing or devaluing yourself or others. You're also skilled in communication, self-reflection, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution. This includes being able to apologize when wrong, set boundaries, step outside your comfort zone, delay gratification, and seek comfort from people (rather than things).