$elfie Shootout

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1

You are unbelievable!

Ooh. Yes.

Mmm.

Yes.

Oh, I want you to be my unicorn.

- Chub!

- Oh, dad!

You're not masturbating all over

yourself again, are you?

I mean, is that any kind

of life to live?

I'm trying to have

some privacy here.

It is my room, for god's sake.

Just get a girlfriend, not that.

I am, dad.

I'm trying to get one.

- That's what I'm doing.

- That's what you're doing?

Well, I got to see

if I like her first.

Besides, didn't I catch you

doing the same exact thing?

Once. One time. And I didn't

like it in the least.

Right.

You didn't like it.

Nope.

Not for me.

Just get a girlfriend, will you?

Oh.

You're the one.

This is on.

It's happening.

- Hi, there.

- Cigarettes.

No. Gum.

- Any kind.

- Is that it?

So just the one gum

and, um, the... vodka?

- Vodka?

- Mm-hmm.

What are you saying?

We don't want any vodka.

We want one gum.

That's all, okay?

We don't drink.

Yeah, we hate it.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, I get it.

Wait. I saw you stuff it

into your purse.

It's that right... oh!

What time do you get off?

What time do you get off, baby?

Any time he wants, I bet.

Ooh!

We close at midnight.

Oh! Unh-unh.

- Make it 11:
30.

- I can do that, yeah.

Make it 11, Amber.

I can't wait that long.

Okay. I can do that, too.

- 'Kay. 11.

- 'Kay.

Okay, 11.

I'm gonna be right here.

Keep the change.

Bye, papi.

Bye.

It smells like perfume!

Dude, do you mind

if I stick around?

Yeah, you should stick around,

'cause this is happening!

Yes!

This is happening.

- Hey, dad.

- Food in the freezer.

- What you got?

- Lasagna,

stuffed green peppers, sandwich.

In the freezer?

No, you idiot, the other side.

Whatever you call that side.

Well, that side's

the refrigerator, dad!

I know that.

Go some potstickers,

had some for lunch.

Excellent.

Mini burger things.

You know what I mean.

You mean sliders?

If that's what you'd call them.

The freezer's empty, dad!

I don't know!

Check the pantry.

Do I have to think

of everything?

Yes?

Come in!

Do I have to do

everything around here?

Holy smoley, bone!

How many times

do I have to tell you?

Just come in.

I'm missing my movie.

I'm sorry, Mr. Moorhead,

but suppose I come in one day

and you're just

walking around naked?

Well, then you'd see

what a real man looks like.

What's with the laptop?

It's for checking stuff out.

What stuff?

Stuff!

- What you doin'?

- Jacking music.

Oh, yeah.

I Jack all my music.

What kind of idiots

pay for that stuff?

Idiots do.

I jacked 15 movies yesterday.

Oh, yeah? Well...

I jacked, like, $10,000 of

software in 45 minutes yesterday.

Big deal. I own all

the software ever made.

Oh, yeah? Well...

I invented jacking,

and in some circles

I'm known as

bone the jackulator.

Maybe you invented jacking,

but I downloaded

the entire Internet!

It's not that big

if you compress it.

Yeah, the Internet is all about

gettin' stuff for free.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, what do you think

happened last night?

- About the babes?

- Yeah. I mean, we were...

Well, the only real explanation

is that they got

hung up somehow.

I mean, maybe...

Maybe they got the flu

or they needed to study

or......

You know,

maybe it's a rain check

kind of situation.

Oh, rain check's good, right?

It means we get the same

exact thing only later.

- Wait. What is this?

- What?

It's an email that says

"young, vulnerable Russian women

just got off the boat."

What's that mean?

It