sararini

TW: depression, mental health stuff

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6 drawings. That's how many art pieces I've finished this year. (Technically 8, if you include two sketches that I would have rather finished, but couldn't bring myself to do so.) I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I went back and actually counted. I never thought it would get this bad.

I miss art. I want to draw, but I struggle to pick up the pen, and even when I manage, I'll sketch a little bit, but I can't bring myself to finish anything anymore.

Things are...not good. Life IS good, I should be okay, I have a job and a steady income for the first time in my life, I'm starting to make friends, I'm over my breakup, things are good. But I'm not good. In fact, for some reason, I think I'm worse than I've ever been? For some reason?

I'm diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I'm not on any meds anymore, at all. My GP said my depression was more than she could manage, basically, none of the medications she was willing to put me on were helping, so she referred me to a psychiatrist, but I never called to set up the first appointment. Because I have a lot of phone anxiety. That was a year ago, September 11th was the psych referral. I guess referrals last a year? So I have like a week left to make this stupid appointment? I don't know how referrals work.

I'm at the end of a three day weekend and I've been mentally screaming at myself for days to DRAW, WRITE, EDIT A MUSIC VIDEO, PLAY A GAME - anything. But I can't make myself do anything anymore, and it's so fucking sad. I don't know if it's depression or undiagnosed ADHD at this point, but I need it to stop. I'm just getting fed up with living like this, hopefully fed up enough now that I can do what I need to do, take the steps I need to take to get better. I don't want to live like this anymore. I miss myself.

fun coincidence 😂

Just randomly sharing this because it's one of THE utmost inspiring things to me. I've watched this so many times throughout the years, I dream of being able to make something like this one day for my own characters. This video is just...so important to me and my art journey. 🌙✨ I feel like it even influenced my art style.