& often during

Exactly the reason I’m scrolling here, bottom dysphoria is hitting hard right now and I’ll come here to lighten the load.

I mean… it’s how someone pays for them and much of the reason to be doing them consistently.

Appreciate the compiling of bullshit for us to keep track.

Oh and daytime sucks typically. Nap where I can if possible. Cancel my mental to dos and recalibrate based on my energy levels. I’ll typically just have a day and will forget a bit that I hadn’t slept. Later in the day and evening it becomes very apparent I haven’t slept and that’s all I really want by then.

Nighttime, like right now, I’ve given up on bed for now. I go enjoy the night a little and go for a drive. If I don’t drive maybe journal or work on art on the iPad for a bit. The key is for me to leave my bed, and when I go back to it it’s like being fresh into bed and I might catch the sleep wave.

I also consider past 3am struggles to be in the range of getting as high as I can in cannabis til I get eepy and go to sleep.

Congrats!!

Married 9 years, together 15. I came out at the end of 2022 and started transition right at the start of 2023. She was always Bi leaning but never in practice at the time, but heavily into fashion, some queer culture, and drag race. I was busy playing MMORPG’s and living there instead of irl, because, well…… I was able to present fem in games, obv.

When I first came out, it wasn’t a surprise to either of us really cause I’d been skirting around it the entire time we were together. I began as presenting a gender but not aligning with it, and people very close to me knew that. I already leaned more there since the beginning and we’d played with some clothing and sexual experiences, but I got in my own way of most euphoria because of how I was programmed as a child. Once I broke down my own mental barriers (and am still working through some) things have been great.

When I first came out…. It was hard. She still loved me, but was needing lots of time to process her own feelings and thoughts. She has higher anxiety to begin with and of course her mind took her on a bit of a journey. We both had fears that we’d end up divorcing, which was complicated as we had a child that just turned 2 before I came out and started, and we still kind of wanted a second child. It normally takes her a bit of time to process and be able to put words to her thoughts and feelings, but this took quite some time…. Months later, when we were both able to approach it together, we discussed fears.

It came down to fear of outsiders, where we live in Canada and family On her side more, she was born here but her family came here from Vietnam during war, my family was already a little broken and I didn’t have solid relationships with any of my family. (Spoiler, I got myself diagnosed while transitioning and of course I have AuDHD and it explains most of my childhood and family experience, atop being trans). We were able to approach it how we’d dealt with everything to this point, together. Discuss our thoughts and feelings about it, find common ground or a shared understanding, and plan for how to handle it.

I was worried about being left alone, but she was worried I’d change sexuality and leave her, resolved as I don’t even like speaking to Men and we were able to have a more in depth discussion about attraction and sex that we’d ever had before. Fear of breakup helps open up any remaining barriers when you’ve got everything to lose. How would our family deal with it and were we ready to handle it, her’s was a mystery but it happens that her Dad passed a few months prior (part of the egg cracking lol) and that meant the family might not be guided in a hyper misogynist as hard as it was before. My parents divorce when I was younger and I didn’t get along with my older sibling. I was at a point I’d been so frustrated with my family interactions I was ready to walk away from it all. I’ve built a better relationship with my Mom, cut off my Brother, and my Dad lives on the other side of the country and I rarely speak with him, which is meh as he’s not horrible but worked in trades his whole life and has unresolved childhood trauma sooo…….

We also had a friend of mine through mmo’s who’s partner started to transition a few years prior, and they ended in divorce and trying to raise their child while being some distance apart. That led to some fears for ourselves, but once we sat and broke it down we didn’t think that’d happen to us. Different people, different circumstances. Mainly, my friend is strictly cishet and their ex partner went fem, then enby I think?

After discussion, it took a bit of time to come around, but through all of that some key things were established. Her attraction to me won’t be greatly affected by transition and, well, she’s Bi and wanted to stick around and see where we end up, she was along for the ride.

It didn’t even take the whole year for us to adjust. It took 15 months for me to get access to HRT cause of course it would, and my dysphoria was too much to wait wait, soooooo I just went ahead and transitioned in reverse order from how I’d like. I’d gotten over all the hurdles of removing facial hair, wearing wigs, makeup, and wearing dresses and skirts in public, and transitioned completely at work. While that played out, our invisible distance shrunk. We got closer, and closer, and at this point we’re closer and more solid than we were for the entire relationship.

We also managed to conceive child #2 while I was still waiting for HRT and once I got it we had the kid a month later. I consider that a successful attempt and playing with loopholes in the system, then fighting god and doing my own character customization.

Covid again, after vaccination plummets due to pricing

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Congrats!!

Another helpful phrase I got from someone this past year:

I am the expert on my own experience.

Those shoes and that top !!

First wave is neurodivergent and disabled to death outside.

Second wave is filling labor back up with the remaining minorities and anyone not following social order they create.

Let’s just say, the one I’ve worked at had it’s own team but someone once upon a day wanted to chop that and buy proprietary software…… then personally tweak it for use so it’s not even updated with the purchased software.

All the while half or more staff still struggle with Google Suite and general technology across ages.

Curious how he’s gotten termed Steve bootlicker. I haven’t seen content in a bit and used to watch some TikTok’s relating to education and politics in Alberta for sure.

Careful though, Stephen Harper is tied up in a bunch of global white supremacy R&D

She’s been doing that since day one

She was from the extremist party which conservatives merged all right leaning parties they could to keep Alberta oil and gas proud and run by rich elite in the USA.

Also conservatives keep having investigations over corrupt internal politics and cheating for leadership within; and they keep firing anyone who probes.

Much of Alberta is polar opposite but rural and oil and gas peons keep pushing for their own demise without understanding or intentional hatred.

Picking back up where I left off some years ago, working my way through more WEDNESDAY CAMPANELLA and CAPSULE, including other projects by the two individuals from CAPSULE. I hadn’t taken the time back then to go through more of their music to add to my library.

Water.