Local scroller Kyle Townsend has been forced to watch a brief commercial for paper towels, completely ruining his hour spent flitting aimlessly between Instagram, X/Twitter, Facebook, and TikTok.

“Ugh, great, another ad,” Townsend mumbled, as he moved something other than his thumb for the first time in 60 minutes. “It’s like I can’t even watch people test combinations of Doritos dipped in Mountain Dew without having consumerism forced down my throat.”

As Townsend entered his second hour of aimlessly scrolling instead of vacuuming, doing the dishes, or tackling his ever-growing pile of laundry, he decried the blatant commercialism of platforms he’d voluntarily given so much personal data to that Stasi agents would’ve shit themselves in jealousy. […]