Ok, so this post is a chance for us all to discuss all the BULLSHIT going on in Stardew Valley! Let’s get it all out into the open. Let’s discuss all the elephants in the room. Feel free to bring up your own issues, or discuss ones that I’ll bring up in a moment.

There’s certain things I always thought about when playing this game. Things that never sat right with me.

Let’s start with the baseline elephant in the room, that I feel like everyone can agree with. Just something to set the tone for this thread.

Mayor Lewis. C’mon man. What are you doing? Look. I get it. You come from a different time. You think everything has to be prim and proper. But let’s cut the shit, ok? You’re a single man. Marnie is a single woman. I’m not going to yuck your yum, or investigate your kinks. You do you, ok? I’m just saying you’re a full on grown ass adult, and so is Marnie. She clearly likes you. As far as I can tell you’re pretty fond of her too. You’re not a priest. You’re a mayor. A single mayor. Marnie is a single woman. Why are you trying to hide your love and happyness just because you’re the mayor? You think these townfolks will have ANYTHING to say about it if you just came out and say that you and Marnie are an item? Hell no! Pam’s going to continue being a belligerent alcoholic. Shane is going to continue to be depressed. Pierre will continue to be a shitbag who’s not worthy of respect! No! I mean it! I grow a farm worth of blueberries, take the time to turn that into wine, and then put this wine into a cellar for months on end, only to sell it to Pierre, who then in turn takes credit for my amazing blueberry wine…and you expect me to NOT get rubbed the wrong way when this asshole takes all the credit for stocking it in his shop? Fuck man. I’d have been cool if you’d have just said “Hey, we got this AMAZING wine from the local farmer! He put some amazing effort into making this wine, and now I get the privilege of supplying the town with such great local goods!”

But he didn’t say that, did he? No. He said he was so great because he’s the only one who can bring such goods to the town. HE’S the one who makes it possible. Yeah? YOU make it possible? Ok. Ok. I see how it is with you. I see how it is. Fuck you! I’ll put my wines in the box. I get the same money either way, asshole! I get paid just the same, and without the condescending stealing of spotlight. I don’t even know who comes to collect this at the end of the day. Their money is good though. Maybe it’s Joja Cola Subsidiaries that pays me. I don’t know. I just know that Abigail won’t tell me that Pierre has such amazing goods, while in the same breath telling me that I should shop there if I want a good blueberry wine. Yeah? You think I need to shop at Pierres, Abigail? Let me tell ya something, ya little goth girl…

Ok. Ok. I’m composed. I’m collected. I’m breathing. Moving on.

Gunther. What are you doing with your life, man? You move to a town that has like 15 residents. You somehow get the funds to open a museum, but you don’t think to yourself "Hey, what am I going to put IN the museum? You just hope thing work out for the best? What if there were no farmer that was bored all day and digging up the soil all throughout the town? What if it were just you and all the other townsfolks that don’t donate shit? What’s your business model anyways? I never get charged admission to the museum. Is this a tax funded project? Are you just losing money daily? I don’t understand! Why are you doing this???

Moving on.

Willie, you’re a nice guy. You have a good heart. You want to see the world engage in your hobby. I get it. I wish more people enjoyed model trains. I do. So I get your mentality, but dude…do you NOT understand how creepy you come off? I come to this town, and on day 1, after nightfall, you invite me down to your pier, saying something like “Come see me, Willie’s got somethin’ for ya!” DUDE!!! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SERIAL KILLER OR A RAPIST!!! I mean, I’ve gotten to to know you NOW, but, first impressions also exist. I was pretty sure you were trying to take me out on a boat into the middle of nowhere. Nothing but open ocean in all directions. What am I going to do? Say no? It’s all about the implication.

Now let’s talk about love in Stardew Valley. Because you can find love. You can date a number of different people. It’s not enough though. The heart wants what the heart wants, and I want to be a third wheel to Evelyn and George! I mean my god! Talk about the power couple of the village! I want to get on that! I want to ride that ride! Do you know what Georges wheelchair is? It’s electric! Boogie Woogie Woogie! Why can’t I be a thrupple with them? Be still my beating heart…

Then there’s the egg festival. I don’t feel bad. You think I’m just going to let Vincent and Jasmine win? What, just because they’re eight years old? GET ON MY LEVEL CHILDREN!!! WHO’S GOT THE STRAW HAT NOW, KIDDIES???

So uh…hey, does anyone know who built this above ground minecart track system that runs all over town? I mean, I assume Clint, but…I also assume he’s too busy stalking Emily. Kinda worried about that guy. He clearly needs to just be confident. Just be confident. Doesn’t even matter about what. Oh, I TOTALLY know what an airplane is! Yeah! And now you can talk to women. That’s how that works. Just be confident, and don’t be a nazi. Women don’t like nazis. Well, except for Ava Braun. But she was all kinds of fucked up. We don’t need to talk about that here though.

Guys. I think I may have let farm life ruin my sanity. I was wandering through the woods, and I found a mouse who somehow owns property, and uses it as a makeshift storefront to sell hats. I may or may not have eaten some of the mushrooms from this cave I have…