Is academia like a cracked phone screen?

Dear Diary,

Does academia resemble a cracked phone screen, bearing scars from each memory of ups and downs yet remaining fully functional? And how long do we embrace those cracks before changing the phone screen or the actual phone?

It has been a while since I last blogged. I write this because I have spent much time recently reflecting on my career thus far (must be that commute). But it has been pretty surreal. This week, I celebrated my first anniversary of passing my PhD viva. I still vividly remember that day as if it were yesterday. After years of studying and researching, something became so niche that I became very much in my own little bubble. (And literally, I was in my own little bubble…one thing I was always envious of was not being in the labs upstairs, where everybody had disappeared for certain hours of the day). But I knew what I was doing was different, and it was ok). It was very much the icing on the cake, and I always knew that doing a PhD was unexpected, as I never really set out to do it when I first stepped onto my first day of my BSc. So with that, I am blessed and grateful, which rounded up my decade of being at one institution where it felt like a lifetime and a second home. (You can see the other blog post about this https://nutscigradgoesphd.wordpress.com/2024/08/01/westminster-thank-you-and-goodbye/)

On reflection, that viva day became and will always be such a prominent day in my career thus far. I remember that evening, I got emotional because of everything that came with it. It was a moment of freedom. Yet, I just abruptly don’t know what to do with this newfound freedom. I still don’t. (A piece of me just disappeared that I wasn’t ready for). It wasn’t easy that year, but I completed it with much support from everyone. Yet the sudden return to normality overnight was a shock to my system. I feel I’m still trying to understand it. I mean, how long does it take to sink in with the reality? There was just no time for me to sink that big news in of having passed that viva on a mild yet sunny Wednesday afternoon. I literally did my day job. I completed my viva. Then, hours later, I was back at my day job. I stood in front of the students as if nothing had happened. While that year was probably the most difficult to date (see another blog for the details), as I celebrate 1 year, I still feel that my PhD ended far too quickly and too soon. I felt like I never had a good, proper goodbye, though that graduation was the final farewell… Right now? Well, it is on one side of my brain, but I guess that’s what happens when you breathe and live with it, having immersed yourself for a few years.

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And so, it begins, for real.

Dear Diary,

I start another academic year celebrating my work anniversary. And now it’s official, I think? That’s how I feel now. To those following my previous career stage, you will know I’m in this career transition stage. For those who aren’t familiar with it, the blog below details that journey.

Westminster, thank you and goodbye.

And so, one of the most exciting summers has gone, and with that, life has moved on, and I unknowingly nudged on a bit with my career transition. Long story short, my student life finally officially ended after many years—that abrupt ending where you’ve been breathing every moment of it, and your brain is wired to have a portion of the brain dedicated to it. I guess the time for that weird feeling is now happening.

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Learning Development, eh?

Dear Diary,

I write this post on my long journey from a place far far away…and no, it is a (much) longer commute than to the office. This journey makes my bum numb. Lol. A crazy decision and year (if you want to know more, then read the previous blog posts), and I thought, why not continue it…crazy. This week, I naively entered the world of learning development (aka, the ALDinHE annual conference). Don’t ask me why, but I “fell into it”. For context, here is a little back story. Throwback to winter 2023 when I was preparing for that final PhD (thingymajig) viva. In procrastination and to take a break from my beloved Theo (my thesis, yes, I named him), I decided to submit an abstract for one of my (side) projects I did this academic year (experimenting) on my students.

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Am I starting to emerge on the other side?

Dear Diary,

May, as always, is a month of love and hate, both simultaneously, making my heart palpitate for as long as I can remember. This year, perhaps, will be the last time as that student life is slipping away from me at the final 100m (now waiting for the floppy hats, yes, multiple of them). But I must say, more positive news this month which makes me very confused – I always remember that it is either sitting exams in large sports halls where you physically can’t move an inch in your chair or sneeze as then that noise embarrassingly echos around the silent exam hall, with the invigilator then suddenly sternly looking at you like a laser… But this month has been a bit different. I felt like I was more in control and respected the self-boundaries I’ve put in place to transition out of that death-by-revision student mode and/or the fact that it is OK to just leave things overnight for my brain to reset. It is a different mindset. It is a different style. But guess this will take time to get used to.

As crazy as it sounds, measuring my head’s size makes me feel nostalgic. It takes me back to the first time I was measuring my head for the hat. As I’m somewhat on the other side in academia, I question what my students will be doing as they graduate like I’ve done all those years ago. Nevertheless, I don’t think I will ever look at May the same way again. Such a bizarre feeling that going forward, I’ll have this “hole” as I look to find something to feel that missing puzzle. Wait. I’ve a few exciting new projects going on. Ah. It will take a while, but let’s see how quickly that hole will be bandaged.

On another note, social media knows me well. The algorithm told me to apply to another university course as a student (must be a sign!?!?). The problem is that the student in that promo video is…me.  I mean, should I?? Was one student lifecycle, not enough??

Much love,

An ECR starting to see the positives.

Academia breaks and mends your heart simultaneously

Dear Diary,

Academia is ruthless. It breaks and mends your heart simultaneously, sometimes overnight. Goodness me.

April marks a rather “sea saw” month. I write this blog as I travel to/from work on an exam week. Thus, the reflection from this April month resumed. Aside from being nervous about my students and passing their exams, which, thank goodness they did, hearing other people’s experiences and experiencing them myself have become somewhat similar. One moment, my heart breaks when you find yourself crating things up from a room that has given you real joy for the past 19 months…and when, in fact, it has pretty much been my “hiding place” on campus. (You know, when times get tough and you just need to hide somewhere…now I’ve got to find a new hiding place come next academic year…). In fact, I will definitely miss those corridors leading up to the lab, which smelled like fresh chocolate bakes. Not to mention those times when I had to frantically open all windows to ventilate the room in near misses of having a campus-wide fire drill from foods burning on stoves and ovens… Those were the times, and I’ll be sure to miss them. As frantic as they may seem, it was worth it. How would practicals be memorable if nothing out of the ordinary happened? Nevertheless, crating things from that lab has definitely a low point of this month: https://t.co/2i16xZgluu

Ping, my email went as I sat staring at my students doing their in-class exam. I had just about gotten over the loss of that room when my heart and eyes had to double-look at what had just come into my inbox. Gulp. It looks like my proposal for a research grant was accepted!! OK, it is not in the millions and won’t last me for decades, but glad to know the idea I proposed was not useless or worthless to the panel who scrutinised the application. This definitely “mended” me a bit (ok, academia always breaks your heart with endless rejections…). Now, the task of doing the research. May this fill that hole I have had for a while…

Academia is constantly testing you, and that’s not a lie. Aside from all the other weird and wonderful things that happened this month (I will share in due course), celebrating every (small) milestone helps in academia…as I’ve learnt from my PhD. Like a PhD, it is neverending. There are always questions to be asked. Questions that may seem mundane or meaningless at first could actually be the ones that get stuck in your mind and constantly pester you to the point of annoyance (LOL). You must do something to address it; otherwise, it won’t go away.

As I continue on this transition—I mean, I don’t know how long this transition process will be—academia constantly tests you as an ECR. It tests you from every angle to determine whether you belong in academia. I’m not going to lie, but there has been time when I questioned whether I belong in academia, or am I just an imposter. The answer? I think the latter. Is that grey area where it feels like you’re on a (paid) internship, trying not to screw up and constantly question every decision and action being made. Academia does not teach you what it is really like as a student. There is no protocol. You just got to find out and go into the unknown, and be prepared to have your heart being bandaged with multiple plasters.

I know there are a lot of questions. But perhaps I should stop reflecting and just continue to be persistent.

Yours,

An ECR thinking when the next things will be that will break or mend their heart.

March and Me.

Dear Diary,

“Publish or perish,” in addition to a series of conversations, has led me to consider my own values and interests.

I’ve more questions. Or rather the doubts of the “what’s and whys”. As per usual, the long commute makes me contemplate about every possible questions I have….I mean, it is either I rest my eyes (and brain) or do work (but my eyes are blurry from looking at screens, most likely due to caffeine deficiency – I mean, it doesn’t quite feel right to be downing a long black before 5am, and then I forget to caffeinate myself meaning I then get a terrible headache of not having a drop of caffeine all day. Probably withdrawal. Shocking). Or alternatively, using the time to contemplate everything I need to think about on my “to think/to-do list”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve grown to love reflecting on things.

I write this after teaching for 10 consecutive weeks, and perhaps even more bonkers when I’m trying to stay awake on this commute, having rolled out of bed at 04:11 these past consecutive days this week. Don’t ask…It is now the end of March and officially (near) a quarterway through. Shocking. On top of this long semester and week, I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere – someone decided it was a good idea to leave a garden fence in the middle of the track. Perhaps I’m now fatigued, or my eyes are blurred. My brain is hurting. But actually, I look forward to having a brain rest on this Easter bank holiday. My body needs it. I’m otherwise relying on getting mini naps, which doesn’t make sense.

It has been quite interesting recently. I’ve had many “out of the blue” conversations and a few events, making me contemplate the many questions that have been in my mind for a long time. Firstly, what is success, and what does success and impact look like…in anything? I feel I’m at that point where I’m starting to be a bit paranoid. I mean, doing something is one thing. But “doing” something is another. Secondly, the “what ifs, whys and hows” is neverending. I question what if I did this, then would x, y and z have happened? Thirdly, a series of unplanned conversations questioned every career milestone I have had to date. It was an interesting set of conversations; upon reflection, it made me question more. How does one know if academia is the career? Why do I question everything that I do?

On a positive note, spring is coming or here-ish…, and I finally see (twi)light on my commute. My first sets of crates arrived at the nutrition lab, meaning the spring cleaning commenced. I mean, lab tech-ing at its finest! (e.g. lab tech-ing in between teaching, admin and all other academic responsibilities stuff.) Oh, I never knew that we love colanders and spatulas so much; I mean, I’m served out! Lol. On a serious note, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel now that the crates are here. It feels so real. At times, it was and is quite confusing and mixed emotions.

But I’ve grown so much. I’ve come so far since day 1. Part of me feels as though I still question every decision I make, whether big or small. It is such a weird feeling that I don’t know if I’m navigating this journey correctly.

Right now, I’m off to rest my eyes.

Much love,

An ECR questioning the what’s and whys.

Who am I in this blurriness?

Dear Diary,

Who am I? How far do I push the blurry boundary between personal and professional lives as an ECR?

Well my LATEST PUBLICATION answers that: https://sehej.raise-network.com/raise/issue/view/79

There are publications, and then there are “publications”, with the latter including sprinkles of what makes you, you. To date, I’ve published a small handful that fall into the latter category and cross that blurriness when writing a paper. It is still contribution knowledge, but in a different way…not to mention that I rarely, if ever, shout about them. There are constant questions that one questions, and the above paper expands on this further, and answering (I doubt I fully answered it) my own identity in this whatever space this is. I question whether we’re being expected to publish because that’s the traditional expectation (if you want to progress anywhere and edify the knowledge within the discipline), or is it the alternative to whatever that might be. Don’t ask me. I’m still trying to figure this out.

This is all very blurry. On one hand, you want to be like the rest of the herd; just go with whatever everyone is doing. But on the other, you want to do different things because you’re curious. You will understand what I mean if you read the above publication. This was one of the few publications that pulled my heartstrings. Here it goes people…I won’t shout about it again, as I doubt people will read it. I think it was more so for my own sanity.

Yours,

An ECR still questioning onself.

January, the start of a new adventure

Dear Diary,

I sat writing this blog post having just survived week 1 of this new semester after the winter break. How do I feel? I’m exhausted. I have forgotten the mental capacity I need in a normal term-time week. But I’m sure I’ll be back into the routine in a few weeks’ time…lol a few weeks. Yes, it takes me a few weeks to know that being tired is part of the role and experience.

Christmas and New Year “break/ holiday” has been and gone, and I pretty much spent that 2-3 weeks marking the gigantic pile (I won’t tell you how many papers exactly). Before I knew it the winter break was over and I was counting down to welcoming 2024. Well, hello 2024!? Of course, the time between the winter break and the start of the Semester wasn’t long either. I found myself leaping from finishing teaching one semester into full-on marking and then leaping myself to prepare all the content for the forthcoming semester and hardcore cramming into those few weeks up until the 11th hour before day 1. The hardest part? Knowing which forthcoming week is on which topic so I can prepare in advance on getting the materials and resources and ordering anything, with the nitty gritty details to come in due course. Perhaps that’s why I’m feeling exhausted after only week 1. Perhaps it is also because I’ve been going full-on since I submitted that PhD thesis, followed by the viva last semester. Sometimes I do wonder why everything happens all simultaneously?? Don’t answer that. But I knew this past 12 months would be the toughest in my professional transition. I’m sure next year will be “chill-er”.

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