Dear Diary,
I have sad news, and my heart breaks for this final time. This will be my final post on this PhD life blog. Thank you to the readers who have followed me on this journey, and I’m sorry this will be my last one in this blog. So here we go, blog post #61…
**this blog post is also a crossover for the other blog that I started when I entered the academic world** https://phdtoacademia.wordpress.com/
Continue reading “Westminster, thank you and goodbye.”Dear Diary,
**Here is the penultimate blog post of this PhD journey.**
I now finally have that V-date. 1 month is enough, they say, to prepare. But in all fairness, I know that one month is not enough, considering that 99% of that month will be me doing my day job and keeping myself still in one piece. It’s such a surreal feeling. On one hand, I’m pleased that this is the final hurdle that I’ve now got to jump. However, on the other, it is scary. It has now hit me that this thingymajig is now for sure real.
The countdown clock has started.
Continue reading “That big V-Day experience (pre, during, post)”Dear Diary,
It has been a few months since I last wrote to you. Is now August, and much has happened. Emotionally, your mind is just everywhere. I learnt that thinking about science is good, but thinking about too much science makes my head spin and question why I put myself through this pain on earth. I also learnt that you must pace yourself, especially in the final days and weeks before you press that button. There were times when I knew for sure I was sleep deprived. You just don’t think straight. You live and breathe thinking about rearranging that paragraph to make it read better. You think back to the first version you wrote and years later to think that it is absolutely so poorly written, and how on earth I managed to write that.
But having slept on it and hovered my finger on that “submit” button for a while (finally, with a clear head), I pressed it. It was such a nerve-wracking experience. This is, by far (to date), the most nervous submission I have done. You feel your heart beating hundred of miles per minute, your palms sweating, and you are shaking with fear, thinking, have I done this and that. I have been to many exams before, but that nervous feeling is so different.
But how do I feel now?
(Very) bent.
Not (fully) broken.
Such a weird feeling now that I can do no more until that viva thingamajig.
The most ironic thing is that to be a PhD Dr is to study the more useful doctors and their nutrition. I question this sometimes during my PhD, but I feel like my participants.
Now that I have submitted it, I now question my life choices in my last few days of annual leave (from my day job) before the chaotic new academic year starts…yes, I have neglected anything and everything else for the past few months, and I’m sorry to anyone who has tried to get hold of me…
I will now sign off on this post and return in a short while once I am back from hibernation.
Much love,
PhD-er going into hibernation.
Dear Diary,
Is a bonkers month. I’m still ploughing on and made good progress. I mean, I need to make progress…
Aside from the big hoo-hah (see https://wordpress.com/post/phdtoacademia.wordpress.com/142), I come to realise how tiring it is at the end of an academic year. But that’s all I report for this month’s post. Not sure what else to say other than to say I’m still here…
Your caffeinated PhD candidate.
Dear Diary,
Another month has gone, and I’ve come to the end of April. This month has been tough. From my day job, the semester is now coming to an end (https://phdtoacademia.wordpress.com/). If you are wondering about my PhD life? Well, is still going. The good thing is I’ve made substantial progress on those train journeys, aka my third office.
Similar to my March post, nothing else to report, unfortunately. Everything is as per usual. Nothing special…well, that’s what I fell anyway.
Yours,
PhD-er still clinging on.
Dear Diary,
Really, nothing much exciting to report for March…literally nothing.
PhD-er continuing to plough on.
Dear Diary,
I sat writing this month’s blog post in traffic. To be honest, if I’m not in traffic, then most probably, I’m running between connecting public transport.
February has been and gone and is by far a quick month. Perhaps there was a reading week in the middle of the month, which allowed me to recover somewhat. But why do I feel like I haven’t done much? I’m well and truly resumed the routine for this semester, and I think my body has finally caught up with me after 6 months of living a dual life. My “big plan” was to edit that big hefty chapter during the reading week. But that plan soon went down the drain when I spent half the week nursing my poor health, knowing its impact on my “other job”. Nevertheless, I still managed to “work long hours” to catch up on me getting better and still managed to edit that chapter. Result! Honestly, it was difficult cramming a week’s worth, but when you’ve got to get it done, you’ve got to get it done. That’s what I’ve said to myself for the past 6 months!
Otherwise, nothing else special. Still progressing, slow and steady. The weirdest thing is that I don’t feel any feelings about it this month. I feel numb.
But here we go. I hope March will bring a happier month.
Yours,
PhD-er pushing on.
Dear Diary,
I never thought of typing this, but as I write this post, it is the end of January 2023. I write this as I’m sitting on those ridiculously long train journeys….see the other post blog for that rant…
I’m pleased to say Christmas has been somewhat quite productive. Tasks for the day job done. Catching up on my sleep, and I am done (feeling very afresh). Caught up with my writing and much progressed.
If you’re looking for updates, well, I’m sorry to say, not much I can share with you. Is the writing up stage so, I guess the update is that I’m writing up?? But it is very scary that it is the end of January. I mean, where did the month went?
On the plus side, I think having a few weeks of Christmas was good in a way that I was able to write and focus. But the most important aspect was that I FOUND MY MOJO BACK!! Well, I thought I did, until week 1 of semester 2 when I completely forgot how tiring it is by the amount of time I spent sitting on trains. I feel like I am in this constant jeg lag feeling where it takes 2 whole days to recover from the back and forth into the office. I don’t know why I do what I do sometimes.
Oh well.
PhD-er clinging on in the last few PhD miles.
Dear Diary,
Is now December. 3 months in, of this double life, and I’m just tired. Really tired. I think I’ve hit a brick wall. (I have had anyway for the past 3 months). Emotionally and mentally, it is draining. Physically, sometimes I wonder if living in the library/ office is the next best thing. Times like this often make me wonder if I want to finish this PhD. I’m now questioning the reality of this thing. I just can’t see the end of this tunnel anymore. Is like I’m confined in such a small room with no light and no windows where I’ve just got the four walls slowly closing in on me, waiting to flatten me out. My 99.999% motivation is all gone, unfortunately. The only thing left for me to hang on to is that I don’t really want to quit – it is too close. And all my energy would have gone down the drain. It is not just the last 3 months. But it is the whole 3 years’ worth of work, sweat and tears (literally).
This whole semester had flown by so quickly that I often feel like I want to time-travel back to when it started. I still don’t know what I’m doing with myself. Never felt so lost until now. I just wish 2022 is longer.
Christmas is around the corner, and I just want to finish this book. This annoying book – that’s how I feel these days. Is it too much to ask?
Aside from this depressing news, no other exciting updates. If you’re wondering, yes, I am making progress, like the speed of a turtle, but such a slow speed is perhaps draining all my energy when all that I do these days is literally admin, prep, teach, and write and write and write. Again, such an irony and correlation to what my PhD topic is. Yup, me, the other-not-so-practical-doctor-to-be wondering why I picked this topic to spend 3 years looking at this one tiny thing.
Days are getting darker, and often the lack of daylight I see each day perhaps is impacting me (yup, I would know, wouldn’t I).
I’m afraid there aren’t many more things to report in this post. Aside from that, I’ll be spending my Christmas holiday ploughing to either mark students’ assessments (don’t get me started) or write this thing more coherently.
Note to past self – think hard if you want to do a PhD.
Much love,
A PhD-er clinging on with my fingertip.
Dear PhD Diary,
I wrote about this in a few of the earlier posts. But now, as I near the end, I can reconfirm that PhD is a lonely place. I never felt what it really meant until now. Perhaps it is even lonelier in this weird blurry career stage of where I am currently. 2 months in, and I’m struggling to know who I am. Or perhaps I’m not in a physical space where I’m really finding it difficult to know where I am and how I fit in if that makes sense. Thank goodness for week 6. If you know what’s week 6, then you know. Though a very short week, physically and mentally, I really needed it. I needed to replenish my brain from my new role. I much needed my sleep with the chaotic routine. I’ve barely had any good quality of sleep, never mind the quantity. Is the fact that I go to bed worrying about this and that and wake up still worrying about it. Oh, I found a few white hairs….so yup, definitely dramatically ageing.
Continue reading “PhD is a lonely place – 100%, no joke.”
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