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I posted this in another sub and the response was less than helpful……someone suggested I post here.

5ish years ago my husband had an affair. A fling he says. According to the woman, it went on for years.

As a result of this affair, the woman had a child. I told my husband, if you want to go be with that woman and the child, go. But leave me and our kids alone. He chose us

The problem is over the years I keep catching him seeing the child behind my back. A few times he agreed to watch the child so the mother could work. Most recently he came clean that he’s been see the child weekly for a long time. Again I told him to choose them or us. He’s promised he will never see the child or that woman again. He mostly stays home and I track his phone, texts, everything. I feel confident right now he’s not seeing them.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this ? Did your partner really stay away from their child? I just want our family back and to pretend like this never happened. I want to believe this time is real and he will stay away from them. I don’t want to expose our children to this mess either.

A lot of comments in my previous post said I’m forcing him or whatever but I just don’t see it that way. He can go be with them if he wants. But he’s here. And I just am wondering if anyone else has been in a similar spot and was able to make their marriage work…. Here are some of the comments:

He’s an ass. But I can’t blame him for taking responsibility for his child.

Agreed he is manning up for the kid.

I hate to disagree with initial posters here. But she’s being an ass also. I can’t imagine wanting a child to suffer because of her pain.

You gave your husband a choice stays with us or leave. He chose to stay with you and the kids. Have you ever heard the old saying " you won the battle but lost the war". Your relationship was never the same from that point on. You are not forcing him; he is making the conscience choice to see his affair child; you cannot trust a cheater. The writing is on the wall.

He is doing the eight thing and seeing his child. That child did nothing wrong and should see his father.

No, he’s not doing the right thing.

He’s continuing to lie. He’s a liar and a coward. And he’s very likely still continuing his affair.

He needs to let OP go and establish custody for all of his kids.

He doesn’t have to stay with OP. He’s choosing this life. For himself and his kids.

I hope OP gets therapy, processes her trauma, and divorces his arse.

It might seem like a nightmare for OP now but two people who conceive during an affair deserve each other.

You’re literally making him choose between being a father to a child or not being a father to his other kids?

You’ve got him by the balls for sure. What a nightmare you are using your kids as weapons. Shame on you. That other kid deserves a father too. They didn’t make this situation.

Wow

you can not pretend this didn’t happen. everyone in this situation is f’d up EXCEPT the child.

he/she deserves their father as much as your children do.

honestly he should leave and be with them and just fight for 50/50 custody of his children with you. he shouldn’t be with a childish woman who makes him “pick” her or his CHILD.

I told him to leave. But he chose to stay. How is this my fault ? I didn’t tell him to go have sex with someone. I’m just trying to do what’s best for my babies. (OP)

If you want to leave him, leave. He was unfaithful to you. Giving him the option to stay when it means abandoning a kid, isn’t a real choice.

Someone is sympathetic to OP

This is one of the saddest stories I’ve read yet. I’m sincerely sorry you are experiencing this.

Thank you. It’s been really really hard. I don’t know why that woman can’t just leave us alone. I didn’t ask for this and it has nothing to do with me. If he wants to see his kid that’s fine but then I want a divorce. And he is staying. I am just looking for someone who has been in my situation and was able to make it work. I track his phone he mostly stays home. I have his location when he leaves. So far so good it just always seems to go the other way once I relax a little. (OP)

This comment thread is where things get interesting

Is he still having an affair with the AP? If yes, then you need to leave no matter how much it hurts. You can’t hide this forever. Your children will find out. What does his family say? Are they supporting you?

No he’s home all the time now. His family knows and they see the affair child. (OP)

They accept this woman and child as family? They approve of the affair? Did your husband introduce them to his family? So, it’s possible that your husband could bring your children to his family’s home and they could meet their sibling and his AP without you?

I don’t allow my children to go his family’s house. They do accept the woman and child as family. (OP)

Why do they accept her? Do they accept you? So, your children no longer see anyone from your husband’s family?

I don’t know why they accept her. Our relationship has had some ups and downs. His family occasionally comes here. (OP)

Do you talk to your husband? Have you never asked him how or why his family accepts and spends time with them? Do they go to your home to see your kids and then go to AP’s house? Your only preventing the inevitable for a small fraction of time.

I know they are actively involved with AP and the child. I don’t know the dynamics we don’t talk about it. I don’t like it but I can’t stop his family from seeing the child. (OP)

Why don’t you talk about it? Why don’t you demand all the details? “I can’t stop his family from seeing the child.” The same can be said about your husband.

The affair child has nothing to do with me. I don’t want the details. I want it all to just go away. (OP)

It does have something to do with you, as he abused you and created the child. It’ll never go away. Your pain will continue to grow because you’ve not cut the problem out of your life. Do you even love your husband? Or is this all revenge for the pain and abuse he’s caused you?