Hello, I’m the Significant Higher-Up Role and/or Communications Lead of a company. We make a product that you like a whole lot and we understand that. In fact, we use the product ourselves and that’s why we care so much about what happens with it. Last week, we did an announcement about, and/or released, something you didn’t want that didn’t do the best job of deceiving you into accepting it as good news.

We hear you. We know how much you care about our product and we know how much that’s worth in capital and profit for investors. When we set out to destroy something about the product that you liked in order to increase profits, we knew it was going to be controversial. Change is hard. When my son/nephew/puppy was growing up, they went through a lot of changes and I hope that you will feel more sympathy and connection toward me, and by translation, the company, as a result of me talking about something so relatable. Anyway, the point is, that change was hard, but it was necessary. Which is exactly like us trying to exploit your fanatical interest in, and dependency on, our product for our own selfish gain.

In the spirit of transparency and community, we’re going to do things a little differently than we announced before. Although we plan to do all of it the same as before, we’ve gone over things to try to make it sound more appealing to you. Sometimes we get communication wrong and have to fire our current PR firm, so that we can get a new one with better tactics for convincing you. That’s on us. We don’t expect to get it right every time and we appreciate your patience and understanding in dealing with our rugged, difficult humanity.

We want you to have the best experience; one where your wallets are free and flowing and your impulsivity is off the charts. And you can’t get into that state of mind if you don’t trust us. So, please trust us. We want the money. And we will work tirelessly to win your trust, no matter what it takes, no matter how many people we have to make work overtime on PR posts. Sure, we aren’t going to divert from the path we’re on, but that’s because we’re visionaries. So, do you want to be a part of our vision or do you want to keep your money?

We hope you will choose the path where you go broke spending money you can’t afford. It’s not like it’s our social responsibility to look after you anyway. Now I’m going to go play with my dog Toto, which is named after the Wizard of Oz because I’m just like you! Haha, we are totally the same and share the same interests, even though my job is to get your money and I don’t care about you.