Marsha's Musings

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

This hottie guest starred on the last episode of Glee.

You may recognize him from USA's White Collar but I'm thinking I recognize him from the corner store...because he's from my little suburb of Houston!!!!  Hello, there.

And he can sing too.



Also, random info...we were all doing imitations at work one day (cause that's what we do with our free time) and for some reason I can really nail the old pervy dude on Family Guy:



I catch myself slipping into it at incredibly inappropriate times.  My apologies to those visiting sales reps from Arizona...again.

Happy Friday!

At least when it comes to being tagged by the Lucky 7 meme.  Courtesy of Jennifer Burke over at Jen's Bookshelf.  Go pay her a visit if you haven't already because her blog is definitely worth it (just don't mention possums).  Damn Funny Aussie+Incredibly Talented Writer=Someone you should get to know now so you can say you knew her when...

Now on to the meme.  And by the way, what the hell does meme stand for anyway?  It sounds weird.  Meme, meme, meme, meme...weird.

Here be the rules:
1. Go to page 77 of your current MS
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next seven lines as they are written - no cheating!
4. Tag 7 other writers and let them know

My lines with no explanation:

“You know, about the girls. You have to admit it is a little strange.”

I stopped and Tana turned back with an apologetic look.

“Tana, I have no idea what you’re babbling about.”

“The suicides in your family? How all the girls went crazy before they did it?”

“Come again?”

“You don’t know?” She gasped in shock and a wave of apprehension hit me. Maybe I didn’t want to know.
-end.

To the taggage! And I'll try not to knowingly tag anyone who has already been marked.

Katie Mills of Creepy Query Girl
Simon Carter of Constant Revisions
Claire Dawn of Points of Claire-ification
S.L. Hennessy of Pensuasion
Brian Russell of The Alchemy of Writing
Bethany Yeager of Ink-Splattered
Sarah McClung of Babbling Flow

I won't hate you if you decide not to participate because you are either too busy/cool/bored/under contract/don't have a clue who I am/don't have 7 lines to share, let alone 77 pages to share it from/or currently have a restraining order against me.

Most of us aren't just writers.  We are wives or husbands, mothers or fathers...and there are times when we can't convince the family to order pizza for the 3rd time in one week.

I have found the solution.  BitchCooks.

You don't have to buy the books unless you just want to because there is also a blog with free recipes and videos.  Just taking a few minutes to scroll through their pages is worth it.  These are some hilarious bitches.


And if you have any questions you can email them:
WhatDoYouWant@bitchcooks.com

They even have a bitch store with gifts.  I may have found heaven.

Happy weekend.

Sometimes it’s hard when the little annoyances pile up enough to really piss you off.  So let’s get them out there.

Inappropriate gifts from relatives to my 3yr old:

1) Your old phone with the rock band app. might have seemed like a good gift at the time but now I’d like to smack you around to the backbeat drumming through my head.

2) Your extra reading glasses. WTH? Yeah, he looks nerdy and cute but you’re not going to be the one taking him to an ophthalmologist with eye strain.

3) Clothes that are 5 sizes too big. Maybe you should keep those glasses. How large do you think my kid is?

If I didn’t perform some sort of quality control his room would look like a toddler version of Sanford and Son.

4) Teens that break shower heads late at night and hide it instead of warning you before it’s your turn to take a shower.

5) Teens that use your kitchen to do ‘the cinnamon challenge’ and then gag over your dishes in the sink. Warning: There may be a video floating around of this with my hand smacking the back of my teenager’s head. I will not apologize. It was deserved...and I had to pause Vampire Diaries.

6) Buying a package of socks at Wal-Mart and noticing later there is a hole in bag and a pair is missing. Damn you freaky Wal-Mart peeps! I shouldn’t even be surprised.

7) Peeps who don’t notice when the stoplight turns green at an intersection. 2 minutes is not enough time to balance your checkbook!

8) My day job office is located on a side street off a major road. I must cross several lanes of traffic to make the turn. There is no light, there is no turn lane. Watching cars barreling toward me in my rear view mirror is like a game of Russian roulette. Maybe they’ll see me…maybe they won’t. It does give my caffeine breakfast a kick in the ass though.

Whew…I feel better. How about you? Sound off in the comments.

Update: Cinnamon challenge is a dare game where you must eat a tablespoon without vomiting. IMPOSSIBLE.  Been around for at least 10 yrs.  Don't you peeps watch Tosh.O????

It’s true. These are the two things we can’t escape. So every year around this time I put on my day job hat to talk about taxes and how it pertains to aspiring/published writers. With the economy today it’s even more important not to miss any deductions.

Here’s the good news: You can claim your writing expenses on your taxes even if you are NOT published. If you have actively been pursuing a writing career, and can show query letters (via post or email) in case you are ever audited (highly unlikely) then this is proof that your writing is not a hobby. You can write off all/any expenses you have incurred.

You are considered a "sole proprietor" unless you choose to have some other form of business. A sole proprietor is just another way of saying "self-employed," "independent contractor," or "freelancer." Income and expenses are reported on your 1040, Schedule C. Take a look at it by going to the IRS website.

Make sure you separate all writing income from other types of income you are reporting (easier if not published since it’s a big fat zero) and keep track of all your expenses by using a spreadsheet or financial software. Try to keep all of your receipts but don’t freak if you can’t find where you put them because a cancelled check or a bank statement can serve as backup.

The most relevant categories of expenses for aspiring/published writers are:

Advertising – this includes business cards and web-marketing.
Legal and professional services – Such as editing or proofreading fees.
Office expense – anything other than consumable routine supplies (those go in under supplies) this is more for items such as computer software or reference/writing books.
Repairs and maintenance – repairing your computer, for example
Supplies – routine office supplies like paper, toner, pens, pencils, notepads, etc.
Travel – the cost of traveling to a convention, meeting, or research trip.
Meals and entertainment – the cost of business meals, but be careful not to go overboard here as this is a common target in an IRS audit.
Home Office-If you have a home office, and it doesn’t have to be a separate room just a space used solely for your writing, then you need to calculate the square footage against the overall footage of your home. A percentage is deductible and so are all of your utilities. Most tax software will do this calculation for you.
Utilities –electricity, gas, water, waste removal.
Other expenses – such as Dues & Subscriptions, Website development, and internet connection as long as it’s used for writing purposes only.

If you have an expense that doesn’t fit into one of the other categories then put this under ‘Other Expenses’ as well.

Warning: The IRS likes to say if you report a loss for more than 2 years then this should be labeled a hobby but that’s not entirely true because it’s fairly normal for any business to have several years of losses before ever making a profit.

What this means is that you can write off expenses pretty much worry free for two years but after that you may be asked to prove you are trying new methods to increase your profit. It isn’t nearly as scary as it sounds. Just keep a list of your projects, any feedback or meetings with agents, contests you’ve entered, and all the conferences you attended.

I think that’s it for this long, rather boring post but please feel free to research this topic further on your own if needed.

Good luck and may your taxes not directly lead to your death! Because that would suck.

By famous people who aren't dead yet. 

Stop trying to sell your crazy, Tim.  We get it.



You are still the master, Steve.

Do you get the feeling Arnold is just faking it and still really doesn't know English?

I'm a little bit in love with this guy.


And for a bonus:

Well...except learning how to spell.

Dear strangers at my door,
Go away! I don't want to be a Jehovah's Witness! Oh wait, are those Girl Scout cookies??
Sincerely, I'll take 50 boxes please.

Dear Skinny Jean Wearing Boys,
Too... tight... can't... breath... world... caving... in... around... us...
Sincerely, Your Balls.

Dear parents,
Please stop acting like school is so easy and work is so hard.
Sincerely, at least you get paid...

Dear crayons,
I want you inside me.
Sincerely, Lines.

Dear Walt Disney,
Thanks for teaching little girls that everyone has a prince charming and a happily ever after.
Sincerely, where the hell is mine?

Dear verification code,
Can't you just take my word that I'm human?
Sincerely, WTF does that say?

Dear 2012,
We thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, but congrats on the backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals.
Sincerely, 1950.

 
 
Have a great weekend!!!

Ate and Read.  That's pretty much it.  You don't want to hear about shopping nightmares, a frenzied Christmas morning, washing stacks of dishes every few hours, or the fact that toward the end my cleaning consisted of scooting toys into a big pile in the corner with my foot.

I ate and read.  I also took a day to write but it wasn't easy after finishing this trilogy.


I can't tell you about it.  I wouldn't be able to do it justice.  Just read it and know that for a few days afterward everything you write will sound like sh** in comparison.  Get over it.  You don't want to be the next Suzanne Collins.  You want to be the next you. 

So, what did you do on your Christmas Vacation?  Anything exciting?  Tell me so I can live vicariously through your adventures.

If you're wondering where I am then wonder no more.  I am here:



At the awesomeness that is WriteOnCon 2011!  It's a virtual writers conference with some of the top agents and authors in the business.  It is mainly targeted toward YA and MG writers but a lot of the agents participating also represent adult work so it's worth checking out if you have some time.

I am also studying critiques of my work, writing my ass off, and deep in negotiations with a certain someone about why these should be considered an investment into a future career.


I don't think so.

Also...wtf is this?



Just wondering.

And that is my world so far this week. What's happening with you?

We all know how important first lines can be. It’s what captures your attention, guarantees your continued interest, and sets the tone for all that is to come. If you don’t believe me, take a look at these examples.

'Call me Ishmael.'
Moby Dick (1851), Herman Melville

'It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.'
Pride and Prejudice (1813), Jane Austen

'All children, except one, grow up.'
Peter Pan (1911), J.M. Barrie

'Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.'
David Copperfield (1850), Charles Dickens

'There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.'
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (1952), C. S. Lewis

But first lines aren’t always words at the beginning of a novel. It can also be the first line of defense every morning before you greet the world. And no I’m not talking about brushing your teeth (but still a good idea)…I’m talking about your underwear. Your physical first line (front line?) in the fight against nudity.

I have been tagged by the awesomeness that is L.G. Smith over at Bards and Prophets (she’s totally both) and now I must answer the following top secret questions about my first lines in the Great Panty Meme of 2011.

What do you call your panties/underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

My Powers. It began with my child believing certain underwear gives you superpowers. The name stuck.

Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

No, but my husband dreamed he was naked in the shower once with my entire family…minus me. What does this mean?

What is the worst thing you can think of to make panties out of?

Barbed Wire. Too scratchy.

If you were a pair of underwear, what color would you be and why?

Red striped boxer briefs. ‘Cause I’m practical but fun. (the temptation to say Black lace was really bad here)

Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or celebrity? If so, which one(s). If not, which one(s) would you throw them at given the opportunity?

No I have not but if I could…it would be ALL of them. I mean it…I’m just a giver.

You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

Call me Rambo.

Are you old enough to remember Underoos? If so, did you wear any. Which ones?

What do you mean did? I still do. These:
 



If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

I’m torn between these two.
 

How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

I have actually spent time around goats and there is no way in hell you are getting panties on one, EVER. No matter how many bloggers you use. Trust me.

DONE.

I’m not tagging anyone yet. So if you have a burning need to tell us about your underwear then email me and I’ll put you on the list. I also have the name of a good therapist…

Happy Monday!

I have been blogging for a few years now and surprisingly I have yet to run out of things to say...or Walmart pictures to post.  Thank you for that, Sam Walton.  R.I.P.
Once I likened blogging to being the star of my own show (sounds so narcissistic) and I still think it fits.  I get the most lines anyway.  Although the real fun comes from the brilliant and often completely hilarious comments.  The only drawback: Blowing coffee out my nose at 8:00am.

Twitter is a different story.
It's actually not as easy as it seems to be funny or relevant in 140 characters or less.  Except for that shitmydadsays guy.  He's awesome.  I can be random, that's not hard and sometimes I give into the temptation.  But what I really want to discuss is our followers and those we follow. 

Do you follow everyone who decides to follow you?  I know celebrities and the more popular tweeters do not.  And I'm actually not offended that Pink hasn't decided she can't live without knowing how my week is shaping up or how the potty training adventures are going.  Or that Ian Somerhalder (Damon Salvatore) isn't hanging off my every tweet with utter devotion.  He will someday...but for the rest of us, is it an automatic follow for you if someone else clicks the button on your tweeter account?

Do you vet them? (I really wanted to work in the word 'vet') Do you try to determine if they are political, angry, or just plain stalkery nuts before you put your stamp of approval on their tweets? 


I usually take a few days to check out new followers, read their profile and tweets, maybe glance over their blog if they have one before I make a decision.  I don't want to seem easy.

With Blogs, I take even more time.  You comment on mine, I comment on yours, we do a little dance back and forth.  Usually you make me laugh or say something so profound it speaks to the writer/mom/crazy in me and then I have to know what you're saying every day.  EVERY DAY.







What are your thoughts?  And how the hell do I get a twitter live feed to display on my sidebar instead of just my own confusing tweets?

Oh, yeah.  And I like HoHo's. 

Taylor Swift…

meet Kimberly Perry, lead singer of The Band Perry.

She can match your curly blond cuteness, your endearing innocence, and the insanely high notes you can still hit because I suspect neither of you has fully undergone puberty.

BUT…that’s not all.

She has two brothers who are strangely attractive in weird Indie/Goth sort of way. Maybe someone should tell them they’re singing county music? They look like they could kick the crap out of you just for fun.


Watch your back, Taylor. The challenge is thrown and you’re already down by one (or two). You need another boyfriend quick so you have some lyrics for that new album.



 
Disclaimer: This is not my typical music but I have to admit...I sort of like it.  And I get to taunt Taylor Swift so it's like a win, win. 

I have been tagged by one of my favorite bloggers, L.G. Smith (I suspect we may have been separated at birth), and the pressure is on since she stated I almost force her into wearing Depends with my blog posts.

Prepare to Pee. (This may become my new motto)

Being Tagged requires I answer a few questions…but not that I tell the truth. aha! But I will. I swear.

Do you think you're hot?
Hells Yes and I tell myself so every morning as I leave the house.

*Upload a picture or wallpaper you are using.
I live in the Deep South (this always makes me think of the movie Lil’ Nicky with Adam Sandler) and it’s sort of a requirement that we eat fried chicken at least twice a week. So the answer is…last night. My thighs hate me.

What were you thinking while doing this?
I wish I could take a nap right now. I wonder how many calories are in a glazed donut. My boss is a Nazi.

What song/songs have you listened to recently?
Airplane by B.O.B (Trying to memorize the rap part so I can sing along and freak out the kids with my hipness) and Sing by My Chemical Romance.

Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
This should be self explanatory if you ever watched The Brady Bunch. Although there was a period in elementary school when one brave soul called me Marshmallow, but I persuaded him to rethink this error in judgment.

Tag 5 Blogger friends.
This is hard because I have so many awesome blogger friends!!! But I’m going to tag some new followers so we get a chance to know them better:

Bryce Daniels-He blogs under a pseudonym which may just be a cover for his split personalities. I like it.

K. Syrah –A soldier who is scary smart and blogs with an acidic wit that will have you falling out of your chair.

D.U. Okonkwo- I like to call him Du. This writer blogs from London so get your culture on. Funny, insightful, and helpful blog posts.

Elena Solodow-She’s not afraid to tell you when you’re rong or when you’re write.

The Golden Eagle-You don’t want to miss a word this teenager has to say. I was intimidated just reading her profile. If you write YA, or even if you don’t, she’s worth listening to.


Whew, That's it.  I’m done. Thanks a lot, Lu.

I didn't think so at first either but then I found this list:

You are old if...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You're not grouchy; you just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, and politicians.
The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television. 


When the hell did this happen? 

I love Google with a passion only a writer could possibly feel. If I wonder about any topic or question any subject…google is there, waiting to give me what I need.

Have a strange physical symptom? Legal troubles? Can’t figure out what movie that actor played in last year? Or maybe you want to make sure when you describe the historical plantation house in your novel you don’t make a mistake and give it modern details?

Let me just Google that.

But how much research is too much? If I spend hours and read countless documents researching an event that occurred in history, only to write approximately one page in my manuscript mentioning said event is that obsessive or just good writing? Am I procrastinating? Or just addicted to trivial details? Do I ask too many questions after I’ve had several cups of coffee in the morning?  I suspect so.


I am the Google Queen. Now where’s my crown?

I recently visited a high school for the first time in years. At first it was pleasant, the staff wonderfully cheerful, the halls quiet, and the posters decorating them all upbeat…then classes let out. Students streamed past me in a flood of spiky haircuts, frayed jeans, and various cologne choices, while I resisted the urge to press myself up against a wall and hyperventilate. Are they all taking growth hormones? Or am I shrinking?

Without consciously meaning to, I regressed to my high school self ducking and dodging between students, calling a half hearted excuse me over my shoulder when I felt it necessary. I emerged from the crowd slightly out of breath, palms sweaty, heart pounding but triumphant. Oh yeah, I still got it.

I survived high school by following these simple rules.

1) Look people in the eye…preferably with one eyebrow raised in sarcasm.
2) Show no fear.
3) Always appear to know where you are going, even if you don’t.
4) Never eat anything smothered in chili.


Some things never change.

Some of us struggle with titles more than others. I am a fan of the brief, to the point title. I don’t want to guess why you named it. It should be obvious. But today I want to give a shout out to those who are notorious for horrible titles…Country Singers (or whoever writes their songs).

These are actual song titles. I kid you not.

Get Off the Table, Mabel (the $2 is for the Beer)
I've Got Tears in my Ears from Lyin' on my Back in my Bed While I Cry Over You
It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
They May Put Me In Prison But They Can't Stop My Face From Breaking Out

And my personal favorite:

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.


So if you’re feeling down because you can’t seem to think of the perfect title for your ms…feel better. Because there’s no way you could be this bad.

Every family has one. The designated ‘No’ person, the main disciplinarian. Which in my case…would be me.
It comes easy when whatever the kids want is dangerous or completely ridiculous, but there are times when I don’t want to be the one who says no, or the one who grounds them over grades or takes away the PlayStation 3. 
I want to let them stay up late and eat ice cream for dinner, or be the one who lets them have a hooky day to see the latest Harry Potter movie.

It’s a balance. Just like everything is really. But what makes this subject interesting are the unique and creative ways people have of disciplining their children.  I have heard everything from timeouts to wearing a 'whiner cap' to scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush to cutting the lawn with fingernail clippers (that's for teens).  I like the idea of not so much punishment as teaching them every choice has a consequence.

What is the most creative punishment you have ever enforced on your child?  And if you don't have kids...what was the most creative punishment given to you???

I wish I had a great example to share from my own childhood but I don't.

I was never technically caught. 

Shut up.




Yeah, they waited until they were old but you shouldn't let that bother you.  What about these uber famous guys?


Ok, maybe you should worry.
But if I were you, I'd be more worried about all those heartbroken tween girls.  I'm just sayin'.