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  • The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst

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The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst Paperback – March 7, 2023


What happens when your partner, your primary person, in an instant, becomes a source of danger and pain?

The Betrayal Bind introduces new language, concepts, and imagery to explore the crucial relational dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing. 

Discovering a partner’s sexual betrayal spins your world out of control. In a split second, your sense of safety is shattered, your trust is gone, and everything you thought you could count on is in question. 

Betrayed partners, whether dealing with an isolated infidelity or a pattern of sexual compulsivity, need immediate support to navigate the new terrain of their relationship. They need a clear articulation of betrayal trauma, a thorough education about their normal attachment-based reactions, and a proven path to healing. 

By focusing on how a partner’s attachment system functions in the wake of sexual betrayal, The Betrayal Bind offers a new, game-changing exploration into an age-old problem and connects the dots from research to the lived experience of betrayed partners.

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From the Publisher

Praise from Alexandra Katehakis for The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays

Praise from Kelly McDaniel for The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays

Praise from Robert Weiss for The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays

Praise from Stefanie Carnes for The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays

Editorial Reviews

Review

“In The Betrayal Bind, Michelle Mays uses attachment theory to explain, educate, and empower hurting partners. Through her compassionate use of storytelling, Mays shares profound insights, normalizes partner’s experiences, and provides encouragement and support. It is a must read for any person experiencing betrayal.”—Stefanie Carnes, PhD, President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals and author of Courageous Love

“Mays speaks the unvarnished truth about the impact of intimate betrayal with warmth and compassion as she guides the reader on a hero’s journey from pain to grace. She accurately describes the emotionally harrowing, complex experience of betrayal trauma without pathologizing either party. With neuro-scientific accuracy, Mays explains why fear, shame, and powerlessness drive attachment ambivalence and how to shift out of it. The Betrayal Bind illuminates a clear and empowering path forward toward creating safety, sexual healing, and reclaiming an authentic sense of self. This book is a must-read for the betrayed, betrayers, and therapists.”—Alexandra Katehakis, author, Mirror of Intimacy: Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence   

“Michelle Mays weaves personal insight, beautiful writing, current attachment science, and clinical expertise to share this gift with us. With gentle respect for the busy brain, The Betrayal Bind reaches her reader where the heart is, guiding us to a deeper understanding of why sexual betrayal is so devastating. Michelle helps us hold ourselves, our friends, our family, and/or our clients with the utmost compassion in the aftermath of betrayal. I recommend this book for not only those swimming in the deep water of sexual betrayal, but also for adults living with the intimate betrayal that happens when our first caregivers are abusive.”—Kelly McDaniel, LPC, trauma therapist and author of Ready to Heal and Mother Hunger

“In this landmark text, Michelle Mays provides a path to healing from the pain of relationship betrayal. She candidly shares her personal experience of recovery and renewal from the trauma of partner betrayal. This transformation provided her with the understanding and empathy she expresses as a therapist, speaker, and author. The Betrayal Bind offers new hope for individuals and partners seeking to move beyond the hurt of their past to experience the life and relationship they desire.”—Dr. Mark Sanna, Breakthrough Coaching

“[The Betrayal Bind is] one of the most useful and comprehensive books on identifying and healing emotional betrayal. Michelle Mays’s examination of these painful issues is laced with generous doses of practical advice and hope for the future. Relying on her personal and professional experience, she has created a must-read for betrayed partners, cheating loved ones, and the therapists who treat them.”—Robert Weiss PhD, author of Prodependence: Beyond the Myth of Codependency and Sex Addiction 101

“Michelle Mays provides a well-grounded process for healing and restoration following one of the most devastating life events possible: the intimate betrayal by a loved one. Such a trauma shatters everything, including a sense of self, sense of safety, sense of connection with self and others, and our higher power or God. Betrayed partners will find hope within this comprehensive book that provides well-grounded tools and a pathway toward healing and post-traumatic growth following betrayal."—Dr. Barbara Steffens, coauthor of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal and founding President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS)

About the Author

Michelle Mays LPC, CSAT-S, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She is the founder of the Center for Relational Recovery and the creator of the Braving Hope™ Treatment Model designed to address the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing. To learn more visit michellemays.com.

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About the author

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Michelle Mays LPC CSAT-S
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Michelle Mays is a Licensed Professional Counselor and expert in treating sexual betrayal and trauma. She is the founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Northern Virginia outside of DC and the creator of the ground-breaking Braving Hope® Coaching program for individuals recovering from betrayal trauma.

Michelle has created a new attachment-based approach called The Braving Model™ to address the devastating dilemma that betrayed partners face when their significant other is unsafe to connect to, yet connection is the key to healing. She offers professional training and certification in the model to therapists treating partner betrayal trauma.

Michelle is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Supervisor in both Virginia and Washington DC, and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and Supervisor. She was trained by Pia Mellody in the Post Induction Therapy model for treating developmental trauma and is a Certified Professional Coach.

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
561 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find the book well-researched and practical, with clear explanations of the healing process through its 6 phases. They appreciate its emotional depth, with one customer describing it as beautifully balanced with heart and hope, and another noting how it validates the trauma response. The book receives praise for its readability and insight, with one customer highlighting its approach to tough topics like betrayal blindness. While customers find the book extremely validating, some report issues with pages falling out randomly.
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69 customers mention advice level, 69 positive, 0 negative
Customers appreciate the book's practical advice and well-researched content, with one customer noting how it validates their experiences.
...Michelle’s perspective and model are ingenious and incredibly helpful....Read more
...The other part I found the most profound and helpful was her six phases of the Braving Hope process....Read more
...It is the most helpful, validating, hopeful resource I can imagine. If you've been betrayed, I hope you find yourself here ordering it, too....Read more
...I'm so thankful for Michelle, her wisdom, her wise counsel, and the for the gifts I've received personally from reading, The Betrayal Bind, and from...Read more
61 customers mention healing ability, 58 positive, 3 negative
Customers praise the book's ability to help heal from infidelity, validating the trauma response and outlining the 6 phases of recovery.
...Mays’ Attachment-Based Treatment Model offers a lifeline and roadmap of hope to anyone who is dealing with sexual betrayal....Read more
This book will change your life. The pain of an intimate betrayal can shake up your world....Read more
...the betrayer, this is an amazing resource for both understanding and healing.Read more
I wanted to inform other about this amazing book and How it has helped me to heal and reconnect with my self imagine after betrayal....Read more
44 customers mention emotional value, 41 positive, 3 negative
Customers appreciate the book's emotional value, finding it deeply validating and insightful about betrayal trauma, with experiences and emotions perfectly described. One customer notes its beautiful balance of heart and hope, while another mentions how it helps in growing self-compassion.
...This woman understands my pain with such clarity and empathy. Reading this book has gone a long way in helping me heal and understand myself....Read more
...It validated my feelings, which I felt were crazy at times. I recommend it to anyone dealing with betrayal trauma.Read more
...betrayal blindness and sexual reintegration in a truthful and compassionate manner....Read more
Michelle’s wise, grace-filled and tender guidance brought me through the trauma of coming to terms with the betrayal that I experienced and equipped...Read more
40 customers mention readability, 36 positive, 4 negative
Customers find the book highly readable, describing it as a great and easy read that is exactly what they needed to read.
...A great book that I'm glad I read because it will help me tremendously when dealing with friends who have been or are going through such forms of...Read more
I wanted to inform other about this amazing book and How it has helped me to heal and reconnect with my self imagine after betrayal....Read more
Good read although clinical a times. I thought the author’s personal story of be betrayal and recovery was most helpful and poignantRead more
...Readers will find clear and thoughtful guidance backed not only by solid research but from her years of listening and learning from her clients....Read more
21 customers mention insight, 19 positive, 2 negative
Customers find the book insightful and eye-opening, with one customer noting how it provides a clear path forward, while another appreciates how it approaches tough topics like betrayal blindness.
...Michelle’s insightful and revolutionary approach builds off the trauma model to explain, understand, and validate a betrayed partner’s experience...Read more
...It's incredibly insightful and offered me hopeful perspective....Read more
Such an eye opening book! This is a must read to understand that how you're feeling is normal!Read more
...Michele Mays offers a compassionate, insightful look into the incredibly complex experience of being betrayed by someone you deeply love....Read more
16 customers mention understanding, 16 positive, 0 negative
Customers find the book easy to understand, with clear explanations of the process, and one customer mentions how it helps put language to their feelings.
...and revolutionary approach builds off the trauma model to explain, understand, and validate a betrayed partner’s experience through the lens of the...Read more
Such an eye opening book! This is a must read to understand that how you're feeling is normal!Read more
This book does an amazing job of explaining and diving deep into the subject of intimate partner betrayal trauma....Read more
...Michelle explains recovery in excellent in easy to understand ways.Read more
10 customers mention validation, 10 positive, 0 negative
Customers find the book extremely validating.
I no longer feel alone in my betrayal story. I am validated, seen, and helped on every page, in every word....Read more
...This books digs deep into the visceral pain and validates and educates us on why betrayal is so devastating....Read more
...spouses understand their trauma responses as a completely normal, valid and logical process....Read more
...around them after the discovery of their spouse's betrayal, providing validation and comfort, and explaining why all of these feelings are...Read more
7 customers mention page stability, 4 positive, 3 negative
Customers have mixed experiences with the book's pages, with some finding them stronger while others report that single pages would fall out at random.
...betrayal & gives real solutions for working through the pain & becoming stronger.Read more
...My biggest complaint is the cheap binding. Pages would fall out as I went, and I'd try to stuff them back in so I could go on reading.Read more
...It helped to understand what was going on emotionally, physically, and sexually. It validated my feelings and made me feel less crazy....Read more
...the pages were not all bound together properly and single pages would often fall out at random.Read more