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The Tim Dowling column

  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: I’m on an ebiking holiday in Romania. There will be blood

    The country’s bears are one thing. Its tree roots are quite another. And then there is the gorse my wife tumbles into
  • Illustration of Tim Dowling looking perplexed.

    Tim Dowling: at least with two identical pairs of shoes I can make a swift exit

    My toes are sore from buying the wrong size online, and my walk back from the shoe shop is fraught with peril
  • An illustration two guitarists jumping around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: the band shuns my new jokes. But telling the old ones proves even riskier

    When my cat jokes are met with near silence, there’s only one thing for it …
  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: our fantastic Mr Fox may have done us a favour

    We have to drag the bins through the house because the garden door is jammed. Until a scary encounter with my old enemy, that is …
  • An illustration of a cat and a dog either side of a photograph cutout of Tim Dowling, in front of a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: I’ve come to respect the fox. But our dog is still a hardliner

    I suspect the fox is stealing my delivery parcels off the doorstep, but I’m not going to escalate without proof
  • An illustration two guitarists jumping around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: I have a mic drop moment on stage – quite literally

    None of the audience are laughing at my jokes. Until …
  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: this hold music is stuck on repeat – like my life

    The piccolo tune could only have been written to intentionally drive people completely crazy
  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: I’m all at sea … on a reservoir near Heathrow airport

    At my age, I never thought I’d need another qualification. But here I am, grappling with knots and a man overboard in 35 mph winds
  • An illustration of alphabet letters and two pieces of paper around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: my wife is on a quest to restore my thinning hair

    I am settling in for my usual haircut when, before I know it, my wife and the hairdresser are signing me up for a ‘treatment’
  • An illustration of alphabet letters and two pieces of paper around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: spring has sprung – and so has our tortoise

    I’m on the sofa with a beer, watching a show where people always end up not buying property in Mediterranean resorts
  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: six years of Duolingo and I speak a little Italian, but understand nothing

    Luckily, I have learned two phrases that express my helplessness very efficiently
  • An illustration of alphabet letters and two pieces of paper around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: our campaign to become theatregoers isn’t going well…

    My wife is horrified by the price of tickets, and I get triggered if I sit too near the stage due to an unfortunate incident at the circus
  • An illustration of a cat and a dog either side of a photograph cutout of Tim Dowling, in front of a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: a curious incident with the dog in the nighttime

    Every night I wake up to find the dog staring at me, but tonight a terrifying noise disturbs us all …
  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: it’s time for my humiliating private tour with the builder

    I have to show him all the jobs that I have either left undone or tried to do and made worse
  • An illustration of alphabet letters and two pieces of paper around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes.

    Tim Dowling: Do I look like a man who would buy stolen wine?

    As I attempt garden repairs between downpours, I wonder why I was earlier targeted as a likely purchaser of shoplifted goods
  • An illustration of alphabet letters and two pieces of paper around a cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: the oldest one is moving out – and this time it feels final

    I’ll have no one to watch Deadwood with any more, but at least we can fix the ceiling in his bedroom
  • An illustration with patches of grass and red roses around a side profile cutout photograph of Tim Dowling, with a background of different coloured circles and pen strokes

    Tim Dowling: I could look out the window all day – so why bother having curtains?

    As a dedicated observer of things happening right outside my house, I can testify that that big puddle has been there for three months
  • A black and white cutout image of Tim Dowling on a beige background, surrounded by animals, primary coloured paint blobs and squiggles

    Tim Dowling: I’ve already used up all my optimism for the year. What now?

    The misery of the English winter has made me homesick for extreme US weather. I hate to miss a hurricane
  • Tim Dowling collage with cat and dog

    Tim Dowling: the dog’s training regime has taken a weird turn

    Intermediate Dog School involves hiding behind trees in the park …
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    Tim Dowling: the dung men are here. The tortoise is out. Surely it’s not spring already …

    I see the manure men as part of some lost and deeply English tradition, which is why I prefer my wife to deal with them
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