Monday, December 16, 2013

The Lichwife



The creation of a Lichwife requires two main ingredients: a willing she-lich and an unwilling and completely innocent good-aligned sacred virgin--human, female, cleric or paladin--of precisely the same height, build, and species.

Each is divided down the middle with an awful bone saw and the halves are fused to their mismatched twins with baleful arts. This typically produces two Lichwives--one Lich-Sinister one Lich-Dexter.

The unwilling victim remains alive and can be saved if the lich halves are slain, however, the victim-halves are physically subservient to their evil halves and typically do nothing but scream and beg for mercy.

Damage done to the Lich half is likewise done to the human half.

Allowing the living half of a lichwife to die generally has dire consequnces. Make some up.

Lichwife has the abilities of the familiar lich plus the following:

-Twice as many actions per round.

-Defenseless or successfully grappled targets may be level-drained.

-Immunity to effects granted by the "stitched" cleric's god--including turning.

-The evil half may modulate the voice of the living half to disturbing effect--anyone hearing the living half's pleas must save or cower in disgust as if affected by Fear.

-Access to all spells of the "stitched"cleric (except those which specifically and exclusively assault evil).

-The evil half may regenerate 6 hp per round by draining life from the good half.

-
-
-

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Twelve Questions For The Bone Sorcerer


1. So I hear your ally, the Eel-King, died tonight along with his pet, the giant Blindheim--how are you going to deal with restructuring your logistics profile to address that?

2. Allegedly the eelmen have no fucking clue where the party went when they fled. WTF eelmen? they were apparently all blinded by a Holy Word. How are you going to find them?

3. Do you know who you are going to use to track the party down? Any new faces, or just session guys?

4. How badly do you want to track them down? Like is this a "see if they have any stuff and then if they don't whatever" thing or is it a The Bone Garden Demands Blood-type situation?

5. How far from summoning the Anti-Paladin of the Jade Claw are you, exactly? Is that process just a matter of getting enough lotuses to the Bleak Pyramid or is it more complicated?

6. How big is the panther you ride? And how obedient? And how many attacks per round?

7. Are you pissed? I'd be pissed if some dudes snuck in a secret door to my house and got my friend so high he thought they were his counterparts from the alternate universe inside the bubbles the wall was made of and made him feel up a dress and then burned him alive and then ran right into the room they came from and hid in a Rope Trick that I totally detected and then set up like 20 guys there and a magic trap and they all escaped somehow anyway.

8. Are you gonna add any security to the Venom Gardens or the Alchemy Lab or the Eely Library now that you know you got a leaky ship? How would you go about that?

9. How much treasure are you bringing with you when you go on this hunt? Is that a weird question? Remember, Bone Sorcerer, every piece of treasure you bring with you is treasure you didn't leave at home. Just sayin'. Security issue.

10. Can you admit that hiding in the storeroom and then capturing a servant and sending him out with a platter of White Lotus powder-dosed maggots for the eel king to eat was pretty cool? I mean--it's depressing, I know but...still...you gotta admit... good plan, right? And then using major image to freak him out more...man.

11. Are you interesting? Or are you just a guy with spells and a cool name? Is this "bone sorcery" just reskinned standard spells or does it do weird shit?

12. How close were you and the Eel King? Like not implying anything--just wondering if you might be open to negotiation with these freaks, should they choose to be amenable.
(sufficiently entertaining answers may be considered canonical)
-
-
-

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Oh Joy, Another Reddit Day.

People who just found my blog because of Reddit.

Yes, this is a real blog that is actually about what it says it's about.

Someone Reddits it every few months and I get a flood of confused people, so:

Here, this is the orientation for this blog.
-
-
-
-

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Night's Black Agents Player-Vs-Player-By-Post Orientation

Welcome to Sofia!

If Australia was smaller, made of water, and in the middle of Eurasia, it'd be the Black Sea. Bulgaria is a country on the west coast of it. Sofia is the capital of it.

You are either one of a handful of people playing a game of player-vs-player Night's Black Agents set there or are one of thousands of people reading a message to those people about a game you aren't playing.

(For the latter: I'll try not to make a habit of this.)


АлоОткачалки!

The big news this week is, around midnight on a Friday, Viktor Gavrilov--portly, mid-fiftyish owner of several exotic dance clubs in the city--appeared sweating, crying and dancing on stage at his very own Club Nefertiti wearing nothing but his headset cellphone.

Rumor has it this was because one of the Russian mobs moving into the city was telling him, through that very headset phone, that they had his daughter and were going to kill him if he didn't.

This incident is just one of many lurid acts of intimidation and violence perpetrated by Russian gangs in Sofia in recent months.

What does this mean for you? Who knows? Depends on who your PC is--gangster, spy, waif, diplomat, and what your PC's secret goal is. That secret goal I've probably already given you along with your character sheet.

Achieve your goal and you'll win!
Die before achieving it, or be placed in such a position where achieving it is impossible and you lose.

There will likely be multiple winners and multiple losers.

Since this is a play-by-post game, you each have been given a private channel to talk to me on, but you may talk to each other or to everybody if you like, just remember to add me in.

Some of you have characters completely made that I gave you.

 Some of you will need to add some details using the handy reference below...

click to enlarge
Either way, here's the important stuff...

That grid of numbers at the top is your health. You know what that is. Most bullets do d6 damage.

Everybody ignore the stuff about the size of your group.

If you already have a pre-made character I gave you, don't worry about buying points of stuff in red and blue. You already have points in stuff.

No matter how you got points (I gave them to you or you built your own PC) the way the system works is you spend them to do stuff.

Left and middle columns are investigative/autosuccess abilities--you get 20 pts to spread throughout  these 2 columns. Each thing you have at least 1 pt in means you can use it once in this game to find something out with it. You will get information. You spend these points and they do not come back during this game. Most of these abilities will have 0, 1 or mayyybe 2 pts. 3 if you're insane about that thing.

They aren't autosuccessful if another PC opposes you. But they usually won't for these abilities.

Nota bene: I am misusing this system and it isn't supposed to work exactly like this.  It'll be ok, trust me.

The 3rd column is general abilities, in combat or tense situations they work on a gambling mechanic--they can fail. You spend them, too. 8 is a lot. Basically you roll a d6 and try to hit a threshold number I tell you or don't tell you, and declare how many pts you wanna spend before you roll. These points won't come back either.

Special/confusing stuff on there:

Human Terrain:

like anthropology and social sciences--"reading" a group or city or whatever.

Preparedness:

This is the skill to see if you have special equipment you need on you at any given moment.

Languages:

If you are making your character, you start with 1 language and get 2 additional languages per pt spent.

The following two are confusing because the points you get in them are recorded in the right column, but their specific details are recorded on the left.

Network Contacts:

These are people you know who do or know stuff. They have ratings and spend like other investigative abilities. You make these people up and assign them point values, like you can go "My brother Edgar is a 5 pt shoemaker" and now you have a 5 pt shoemaker contact. Those 5 points are in Edgar until you have Edgar spends them to do stuff, then they're gone. You can (and probably should) split your points up on multiple contacts.

Covers:

A lot like contacts--these are alternate identities you have. The more points you put in them, the more convincing they are. Once spent, these covers are useless.

You can let cover and contact points "float" until you actually need them--they don't have to make up specific people/identities they're assigned to right away.

The game starts basically immediately: you can send me private messages or your can post public behavior or rules questions in the G+ thread under this entry or you can start conversations with other players, just remember to plus me in to them.
-
-
-

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Drownesia, Day One


So the girls finally reached Drownesia--the penumbral and drow-haunted Isles of the Chimera Moon. 
Mostly on the strength of: they heard there were dinosaurs you could ride.


This turned out to be true. Ranger Laney went hunting atop a utahraptor with Prince Viswanathananand of Viswanathanananda Palace and brought down a bird of paradise. (An utahraptor?)

Meanwhile Connie stole 250 gp worth of gilded penumbral treasure from the palace.
Stokes acquired some powder of the white lotus from the gardens of Warmistress Parvathra.
Then everybody remembered they were playing D&D and decided to rob a caravan of goblin brigands. 
 Because, hey, they're goblins, right? Also they had some stegosaurs.

Preliminary ranger investigation reveals the 26 goblins are taxing everybody who comes down the road through the orchid-choked jungles.

So I clear the table and lay out all the goblin minis. I count them out and go "Oh wait, there's 30" and Connie's like "Wait, 30? Ummmm..."

But, fuck it, they fought 30 goblins.

It started alright--Connie backstabbed the leader within an inch of his life and Stokes fireballed 15 to death, but, a round or two later, Laney and Stokes had been carried off, Mandy was webbed at one hit point and Connie had been turned into a pig.

Another one of those near-TPK days.

They pulled it out, thanks to bold hog action, Defense Wizard David, and a magic item stolen long long ago from the Goblin King of Gaxen Kane.


He wants it back really bad.
-
-
-








Thursday, November 28, 2013

Advice With Connie

So, remember this guy--Hex King--Archlich of Bellet Osc? Scourge of the Bleak Continent? He of The Unspeakable Crown?


 This is Connie:


 She killed him. Righteous Might, mace to the back. Not two days ago. A credit to 10th level thieves everywhere.

Also, she drew this unicorn...


Now you're thinking:

Holy fuck, Zak, this Connie sure is an incredible woman, but how can I put this raw force for justice and badassness to work for me?

Funny you should ask! For today on this lazy Thanksgiving Eve we here are introducing a new feature here on Playing D&D With Porn Stars....

ADVICE WITH CONNIE!

Here's a sample:

Dear Connie: Why am I up this early craving Orange Juice like a fucking madman. Is that some sort of allergy?
Sincerely,
W

 No, that is your body telling you what it NEEDS.  Did you smoke any pot tonight? I don't think you're allergic to anything, but you might want to start keeping orange juice in the fridge. Also, late night/early morning trips out into the world for things like OJ can be really fun and rewarding.
~Connie, M.D.

Yeah, I did smoke. And you're right, went the distance to find a 24-hour Kroger. It is cold. I like the music I have playing. I can see my breath singing. Will remember. Thanks.

So, here you go--ask anything about love, food, feelings, career, gaming, moving silently, using rope, whatever--- CONNIE WILL SOLVE ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS!

Place your questions in the comments....
-
-
-
-

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

HIGH LEVEL D&D IS WEIRD YOU GUYS


First day after the big victory.

Mandy's after-action report in italics, me in regular print:

Survived today's encounter with a beholder 

FINALLY GOT TO USE THE BEHOLDER MINIATURE!!!

and Cyanotica Bast.

GOT TO USE THE CRAZY WIZARD THE OTHER GROUP LEFT ALIVE!!!

Developed big glowy stag eyes and hooves to add to my horns and claw-like fingers.

Found out Tizane is the daughter of Belphegor the Beast demon of Envy and a long dead Sister of Vorn called Brunehilde. Asked the Wyvern of the Well.

GOT TO USE THE RANDOM DEMON ATTRIBUTE TABLE!!!

Got a fancy house in Vornheim with servants and shit and all the important people are afraid of me. 

AFTER 4 YEARS--DOMAIN TIME!

My clone however did not survive the battle to save Vornheim.

SHE ROLLED POORLY!!!

Had an amusing conversation with the Masticators

THEY RESPECT 14TH-LEVEL TIEFLINGS THAT ROLL WELL ON CHARISMA CHECKS!!!

Hung out with Anaxorchas for a month with no ill effects. He told me dad has 3 heads, a stag, a serpent and a crow. I do look a bit like him apparently.

Found out dad's in league with Tiamat and that in my second adventure ever I prevented him from being summoned. Oops. 

IT'S ALMOST LIKE I PLAN THINGS!!! ALMOST!

The witches Thorn, Dread and Frost work for him and Tiamat. Anaxorchas is cool with dad but has beef with Tiamat. The witches have been out to get me for ages. They each need to be killed 3 times to stay dead. I've gotten 'em or one at least once so far. 

I'd rather it were me who summons Belphegor. Fucking upstart witches.

I now absorb bits of souls when I heal my friends up from zero or resurrect them. Anaxorchas approves and dad would too. 

THIS IS A WEIRD DYNAMIC.

Resurrected our highest level wizard Brian the Slayer of Ferox the Incinerator after he got in the way of a death ray while us clever adventures ran the fuck away.

I WAS LIKE FUCK THERE GOES ADAM...OH YEAH THEY HAVE RESURRECTION NOW!